Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris once commented, “There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none.”

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime.

Chuck Norris does not eat, he gains nutrients by roundhouse kicking people in the face, and absorbing their remains with his telekenetic powers.

People on America’s Most Wanted arn’t running from the law, they’re running from Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris has an orgasm, somewhere in the world a new lake is formed.

After a fit of rage by Chuck Norris, the Police managed to tie down Chuck Norris’s legs, he proceeded to roundhouse kick them with his penis.

The last ejaculation of Chuck Norris is known as the milky way galaxy.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Austrailia and that is where new Zealand came from.

One time, Chuck Norris got an erection it poked God in the eye.

Chuck Norris can knock the dogshit out of a cat.

Chuck Norris is your father. Your mother just hasn’t told you yet.

Chuck Norris killed disco.

Chuck Norris was the first man to sack Rome.

The sun only shines because Chuck said he would kick it’s ass if it stopped

Chuck Norris Killed The Radio Star

Santa Clause used to be real, until he forgot to give Chuck Norris a present

Chuck Norris actually died ten years ago, but death is too afraid to tell him.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris!

When the Boogey Man goes to sleep at night, he checks the closet for Chuck Norris.

It is said that long ago Chuck Norris impregnated a group of Catholic nuns.... Those nuns later went on to give birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who went undefeated in the regular season and went on to win the Superbowl!!!

Jimmy Hoffa isn't missing, he just pissed off Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't listen to music, music listens to Chuck Norris

Chuk Norris doesn't sleep when it gets dark out, it gets dark out when Chuck Norris sleeps.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably.

Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When God Sins, he prays to Chuck Norris for forgiveness.

Every time Chuck Norris does push ups, the world moves down.

what do you get when you cross Chuck Norris and a elephant?
Nothing because nothing crosses Chuck Norris

One day, a police officer pulled over Chuck Norris for speeding. As Chuck Norris gave the cop his license, the image of Chuck Norris’ stare in the photo immediately compelled the officer to pull out his gun and commit suicide. Chuck Norris is now wanted for 27 traffic violations and 27 traffic violation related murders.

Chuck Norris ejaculates nails, which is why he laughs when they asked, "did you nail her?"

Chuck Norris doesn't cook, he stares at the food and it cooks itself.

Chuck Norris does not cut his grass, he goes out side and dares it to grow.

Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people

Chuck Norris shits 100% Angus Beef

Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are actually real! Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole and shit it out, the turtle was 6 feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris asked for a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

THe Virgin Mary wasn’t a virgin, Chuck Norris went back in time, impregnated her, and then gave her a roundhouse kick to the face, causing a loss of memory.

Chuck Norris’ sweat was the vaccine for polio

The actor who plays Chewbacca is really Chuck Norris’s penis

If at first you don’t succeed, then you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those who are Chuck Norris, and those who will die!

Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer.

Some people wear Superman pajamas to bed, Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas to bed.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to say

If Chuck Norris found out about these jokes, he would delete the Internet!

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, “Caution: Small Children Playing.” So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn’t afraid of small children.

Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on Full House. He was replaced by Bob Saggot after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.

One time some jerk said he beat up Chuck Norris, and was struck by lightning 2 seconds later. Courtesy of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 once steaks in one hour. He spent the first forty five minutes banging the waitress.

If Chuck Norris had killed Jesus he would have stayed dead.

Chuck Norris doesn’t accept Jesus as his lord and savior, Jesus accepts Chuck Norris as his lord and savior.

China and the US used to be bordering countrys, until the Chinese pissed Chuck Norris off, and he roundhouse kicked them to the other side of the world.

The earth was actually flat until Chuck Norris stared it down till it became round, and then gave it a swift round house kick, which caused the earth to orbit around the sun to this day.

Chuck Norris’ round house kick does not move at the speed of light. Light moves at the speed of Chuck Norris.

Aliens are not responsible for UFOs. UFOs are actually objects and people roundhouse kicked into space by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a mother or a father. He gave birth to himself shortly after he impregnated himself.

Chuck Norris eats coal and shits out diamonds

Chuck Norris once took a blood test………and won!

There is no Atlantis because Chuck Norris didn’t like the way it looked.

Moses didn’t part the sea, it was Chuck Norris’ round house kick that caused the Earth to split. Moses was just at the right place at the right time!

Chuck Norris doens’t shower, the dirt just jumps off from fear.

Onions can't make Chuck Norris cry, Chuck Norris makes onions poop!

If Chuck Norris hasn’t yet ruined your shit and fucked you up, he will.

Kansas public schools will offer a third alternative to teaching “evolution” and “intelligent design”…the “Chuck Norris let it happen” theory.

Chuck Norris’ penis needs it’s own lightening rod.

Michael J. Fox’s severe tremors are caused by Chuck Norris, and not Parkinsons disease.

“Early to bed and early to rise make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise…if Chuck Norris allows it.”

Wild animals run for higher ground when they sense Chuck Norris coming.

When you come home from work and find shit on the rug, it wasn’t from your dog…it was from Chuck Norris fucking your wife so hard.

Chuck Norris can fix dents in his car by yelling at them.

Cristopher Reeve would not have been paralyzed and ultimately die by falling off a horse, if he were Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris is cold he causes summer.

The only reason Michael Jackson is white is because Chuck Norris round-house kicked all the black off of him.

There is no such thing as crop circles made by aliens, they are just simply the places Chuck Norris decides to practice his roundhouse kicks

A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris then asked the man, “Do you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris.” Hearing Chuck Norris’ name fixed the man’s sight and the first and last thing he saw was Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a condom. His sperm just roundhouse kicks the shit out of the egg.

Armageddon isn’t a biblical prophecy, it’s the name of Chuck Norris’ secret technique.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a boner, no one survived

Chuck Norris has been known to solve the rubics cube in 5.5 seconds by simply staring at it, and 3.5 seconds by repeatedly roundhouse kicking it.

Chuck Norris recently replaced rapper “50 Cent” as the leader of G-Unit. When Norris was asked why, he responded, ”Any pussy can survive 9 bullets, but one roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris is more than enough to put you down for good!”

The Virgin Mary isn’t really a virgin. People just didn’t believe her when she claimed to have slept with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris single handedly won Super Bowl XL!!!

NASA has finally reached the speed of light. Their top secret rockets are going to be used in a mission next year. We talked with the NASA president and when we asked what their next goal was he responded, “To reach the speed of Chuck Norris.”

The only reason why you are here reading this is because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked your Dad before going on to your Mother’s bedroom to conceive you.

Jesus Christ’s real dad is actually Chuck Norris.

Why isnt Chuck Norris one of the Lucky Charms marshmallows? It’s because the Chuck Norris marshmallows would roundhouse kick every teeth out of the kids mouths.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris was chasing it

Chuck Norris found Waldo,then beat the fuck out of him

Chuck Norris cant swim, not because he doesn't try, but because the water jumps out of the way whenever he comes close

Chuck Norris once roundhoused the air so hard, it split every atom his foot came in contact with, (splitting atoms is how the a-bomb works) but, being Chuck Norris, he survived

King Kong didnt fall off the Empire State Building because the planes shot him down, he fell because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Empire State Building

Chuck Norris does not walk, the ground moves at his command

Chuck Norris doesn’t need an umbrella… rain is to afraid to hit him.

Michael Jackson didn’t bleach his skin white… Chuck Norris snuck up on him and scared him that way…

The first time Chuck Norris ever performed a roundhouse kick, the force triggered the Big Bang.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris comes out.

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Brothers 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the T.V. until it beat itself.

Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel only met twice. Both of these battles were covered up by the government and are known now as the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

America is experiencing a scarcity of energy, going through an energy crisis. But only because we have not come to realize Chuck Norris’ feces is the solution.

There was once a time when some people actually believed there was a better martial artist than Chuck Norris. when Mr. Norris heard of this, he quickly found the accussed master of martial arts and roundhouse kicked him in the face so hard it caused a temporary rip in space that sent the poor man to another dimension. This is where Bruce Lee currently resides.

The Japanese aren't afraid of a 300 foot tall monster. “Godzilla” is Japanese for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

David Hasselhoff replaced Chuck Norris on Baywatch because Chuck Norris doesn’t save lives he ends them.

God wanted 10 days to create the Earth… Chuck Norris gave him 6. On the 7th day he repeatedly roundhouse kicked God in the face for not creating man in the image of Chuck Norris. The result was Evolution.

Thunder isnt the sound that comes after lightning, its the echo of someone being Round house kicked by Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn’t get punched in the face. He headbuts peoples fists

Chuck Norris has a name for his penis. Florida

Chuck Norris once ejaculated hot molten metal, which he immediately used to form into a ring. This ring would later become known as the Ring of Power, and was in itself responsible for the near destruction of Middle Earth.

The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg, Chuck Norris wasnt invited on its maiden voyage……so in retaliation he round house kicked the side of it……

Chuck Norris Smokes TNT.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the fat off of Al Roker

Chuck Norris is the Father of the Internet, and the Father of Al Gore

Chuck Norris doesn't pay hoes to fuck him, hoes pay Chuck Norris!

Marilyn Monroe was once giving Chuck Norris a blow job when he came in her mouth hence the true cause of her death

Chuck Norris doesn’t have to flirt with women to have sex with them, he simply says “Now”.

Chuck Norris doesn’t use a urinal, he stares at you and pisses on your boot.

Old Faithful…guess what? It ain’t water… 3 words, Chuck Norris’ Semen

Jesus can walk on water…..Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus

when President Bush said there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, he really meant Chuck Norris was on vacation in the Middle-East.

Once…just to prove that his shit didn’t stink, Chuck Norris constructed an entire building out of it. It was later sold to Willy Wonka.

Everytime you get the goosebumps, someone is thinking about Chuck Norris. Everytime Chuck Norris gets the goosebumps, Chuck Norris is thinking about Chuck Norris.

Jenna Jamison gets sex tips from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented drinking out of the carton.

JFK didn't save us from the Cuban Missle Crisis, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the rockets right back at Cuba and they got stuck up Fidel Castro’s ass, which explains why he is such a crank!

Chuck Norris has acid for blood.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com

Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris’ penis.

Chuck Norris eats pieces of metal for breafast and shits out a tool shed at lunch.

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ penis is so large, that he in fact has to tie it around his left leg so that it doesn’t get in the way of his round-house kick.

Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.

Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.

Chuck Norris diabolically invented Vin Diesel in an effort to help win WWII.

Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a lighter weight and work his way up.

Chuck Norris once tried to eat an entire Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast, when he couldn't finish the last sausage, he was so enraged that he roundhouse kicked the Denny’s into a Bob Evans

Chuck Norris’ foreskin is used to cover Yankee Stadium when it rains.

In the back of all World Record Books, there is a small caption stating that: All of these records are currently held my Chuck Norris, the people in this book are the ones who got closest to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris entered a chatroom and used his name as a screen name. he typed boo! on the main room. The Next day there were 128 people dead because of heart failure.

The dinosaurs did not become extinct. Chuck Norris killed them all because they kept crapping on his lawn.

Chuck Norris created hell when he had an improper bowel movement

Chuck Norris doesn’t have to steal, when he says hi, people tremble in fear and empty their pockets.

Did you know that Jack in the Box now has 3 sizes of tacos?
Regular, Monster, and Chuck Norris’s Penis.

The only way Chuck Norris will ever die is if he commits suicide. Nobody kills Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.

The grass is greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris is over there, then all is blood and tears. 3 states use the electric chair as the death penalty, the rest use Chuck Norris round house kicks.

Chuck Norris does not work out, he simply stares at work out equipment until he builds muscle

Chuck Norris once climbed a mountain to discover what would happen if he round house kicked a mountain goat.

Chuck Norris wanted to make a dildo that resembled the size and action of his own penis. The result was a baseball bat strapped to a jackhammer.

Chuck Norris masterbates with sand paper

Chuck Norris was born feet first, then roundhouse kicked the doctor in the face, cause no one delivers Chuck Norris unless it's Chuck Norris!!!

Chuck Norris is the only reason Mars hasn’t attacked.

There is a strain of marijuana called Chuck Norris. When you smoke it, it round house kicks you in the lungs and you die.

Chuck Norris once masturbated and got three chicks in the next county pregnant.

Ever wonder who came up the first Chuck Norris joke? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ semen can be used for an aids vaccine, however anyone who comes in contact with it bursts into flames.

Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, as many licks as he fucking wants.

Since Chuck Norris has had sex with every woman on the planet and has got tired of raping grown men he decided to fornicate with a dragon. The next day the dragon gave birth to Bruce Lee and Steven Segal.

Its a known fact that women think about Chuck Norris 93% of the time while they're having sex. Chuck Norris thinks of Chuck Norris 100% of the time while having sex.

Chuck Norris doesn't die, he just waits to roundhouse kick everyone who didn't show up to his funeral.

Mel Gibson wanted to make a movie about Chuck Norris’ life. When Chuck Norris refused, Mel Gibson went ahead and made the next best thing: The Passion of the Christ.

Hot-air balloons were invented by Chuck Norris because his condoms kept breaking.

An iceberg didn’t sink the Titanic. Chuck Norris was going for a late-night swim and it was in his way.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin, which he built himself.

Want to know how Chuck Norris gives a girl an orgasm? He points at them and says “boo-ya”

Chuck Norris once threatened to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

God once asked Chuck Norris what the secret of life was. Chuck proceeded to teach God Karate.

Sonic booms are really Chuck Norris’s orgasms.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

If Chuck Norris is going to be late, then time better slow the fuck down

Chuck Norris has already killed Bin Laden, the government is simply on “The Hunt” to find the pieces left over from the roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is Rick James.. Bitch.

Chuck Norris is the only man in the world that can make a horse eat gum. When asked how does he get the horses to do it. Chuck replied, “The trick is to wrap the gum on the tip of my penis, then lift the tail and I dont stop till I feel the toungue.” When asked for an example, 4 reporters mysteriously died, all with winterfresh gum in there mouths.

Chuck Norris is kryptonite’s weakness.

What is the difference between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Exactly one roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris used to be on the hit sitcom Full House, but quit and killed the crew when they refused to change the name of the show to Full Roundhouse Kick.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kicks are soo fast, that when he roundhouse kicks counterclockwise times turns back

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off. Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants off.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was first aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo went into hiding.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.

Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris can hear silence.

Chuck Norris owns a large private estate in the middle of the Atlantic. We know it as the Bermuda Triangle. Chuck Norris does not tolerate trespassers.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with 6 bullets.....and wins.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets because they know better.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

The Sun rises in the East because it needs the entire day to work up the courage to face Chuck Norris in the West.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris.

You know what kind of furniture Chuck Norris has in his house? Bowflex

The book of revelations actually predicts what should happen if Chuck Norris ever drops acid.

Chuck Norris is how the West was won.

You give a man a fish, he eats for a day. You teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime. If you ever, ever try to teach Chuck Norris about fishing then he will use your testicles as bait.

Though too dangerous to harness, a Chuck Norris roundhouse generates enough energy to power the entire eastern seaboard for almost 18 hours.

Every-time Chuck Norris leaves a room full of people the song There Goes My Hero starts playing out of no where.

Chuck Norris once had sex on the beach. The lucky woman exploded from the sheer force of his ejaculation. However his sperm lived on and occasionally wash up on shore, where they are mistakenly identified as giant squid.

Neil Armstrong is a sissy. Chuck Norris walked on the moon without life support or a space ship.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris killed the counselor and taught his fellow children to play the way Chuck taught himself to play. These children became the members of Led Zeppelin.

Chuck Norris is the greatest baseball player of all time, but because he hits homeruns with roundhouse kicks, he has never been allowed to play at the professional level.

Midway once made a Chuck Norris Kung Fu Fighting arcade game. However, the game was discontinued because it kept beating the shit out of the other games and stealing their quarters.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man's face through the back of his own skull, and Chuck was so sneaky about it the man did not notice for 3 days.

While pruning Chuck Norris' beard, an idea was conceived by an unknown barber. Consequently, the birth of steel wool occurred.

Andacondas can grow up to over 30 feet long, and dislocate their jaws so they can open their mouths exeptionaly wide. But they still cant deep throat Chuck Norris.

There were 52,199,262 deaths in World War II. 48,248,157 of them were from Chuck Norris getting drunk at Oktoberfest. He is an angry drunk.

Chuck Norris doesn't ask permission, he grants it

One time Chuck Norris went camping in the woods. In the morning lumberjacks began to cut down what they thought was an oak tree but was instead Chuck with a terrible case of morning wood. None were seen from again.

Chuck Norris can shit bricks of gold or small children of any race.

The raw sexual energy that Chuck Norris generates can supply enough power to run the entire town of Des Moines, Iowa.

Chuck Norris once recieved a piece of coal for Christmas to teach him a lesson. He proceeded to eat the coal and crap out the Hope Diamond.

Chuck Norris let the dogs out. Then fucking slaughtered them all.

When a phone rings, there is a 58% chance that it's for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can smell carbon monoxide.

Chuck Norris believes what goes around comes a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris keeps his beard trim by running through barbed wire fences every morning

The Ice Age is contributed to Chuck Norris, that was the date of his last erection which blocked the sun's rays for 47 years.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Chuck Norris loves the smell of naplam in the morning.

Contrary to popular belief, The atomic bombings of Nagasaki and Hiroshima were actually orgasms of Japanese prostitutes, compliments of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can grant wishes, as long as you wish for roundhouse kicks to the face or a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris' preferred birth control method is a roundhouse kick to the womb.

The Tooth Fairy is actually a government commissioned agent assigned to collect teeth to be donated to worldwide victims of Chuck Norris facial strikes.

At the start of every summer, Chuck Norris begins practicing his roundhouse kicks outside. We know this as hurricane season.

Fifteen people are known to have been crushed to death tilting vending machines towards them in the hope of a free can of soda. Chuck Norris was behind every one of these machines.

Chuck Norris was forced to attend anger management class. The next morning the instructor's head was found in Chuck's bedpan.

Chuck Norris is the reason for the hole in the ozone layer. The ozone layer now knows better than to fuck with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never turns his cell phone off while at the theater.

At the end of the cold war, one of the Soviets key stipulations of the Nuclear disarmament treaty was that Chuck Norris would never leave the 48 contiguous states.

Chuck Norris didn't invent sex, just the orgasm

Chuck Norris disguised himself as a snake and fed Eve the apple in the garden of Eden so there would be evil in the world that he could fight.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. More people are killed by Chuck Norris than by donkeys.

Every time someone takes God's name in vain, Chuck Norris gets royalties.

Chuck Norris was the first person to tame a dinosaur.

Chuck Norris invented the word "fabulous" just so he could kill anyone who uses it.

Around the year 1956 in Texas, Chuck Norris ate so much steak that it immediately caused world hunger. He then staged a great cattle drive across the nation in order to supply the Texas steakhouse with enough beef for his next meal.

Chuck Norris does not take a bite out of crime. He swallows crime whole and demands seconds.

Chuck Norris cried wolf, only to beat up the villagers who showed up.

Rather than "good intentions," Chuck Norris paved the road to Hell with the mangled corpses of the Viet Cong.

When Chuck Norris is told to go directly to jail and to not pass go and collect $200, he does so anyway.

Chuck Norris won a staring contest with Medusa.

Chuck Norris used to perform back alley abortions with his beard.

Chuck Norris was once asked to join the A-Team. He refused, because there's no "Chuck Norris" in "A-Team."

When Medusa looked at Chuck Norris, he looked back at her right in the eye. Chuck Norris walked away, Medusa wasn't so lucky.

California road kill is actually the result of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking possums in China.

Chuck Norris makes beef jerky by roundhouse kicking cows so hard that moisture leaves their body.

Chuck Norris doesn't bathe like the rest of us. The only baths Chuck Norris takes are blood baths.

Chuck Norris is always watching Big Brother.

Chuck Norris got banned from the state of Florida after he roundhouse kicked a dolphin at Seaworld.

Chuck Norris drinks milk and shits yogurt.

Chuck Norris is so smart, Steven Hawking stood up to bow down to him.

God might have created Adam and Eve but Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked both of them for eating the fruit.

Chuck Norris’s sperm is so fertile that a woman without ovaries, a uterus, or even a vagina is still guaranteed to become pregnant if she has sex with him.

Chuck Norris's heart beats once every full moon.

Chuck Norris once stuffed a dollar bill in a guys mouth, roundhouse kicked him in the face, then four quarters popped out of his ass.

Chuck Norris's poop is considered currency in a remote corner of Mongolia.

The reason dogs walk in a circle before laying down is to check for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not move, the earth rotates to where he wants to go.

Chuck Norris doesn't play dead when he sees bears, bears play dead when they see Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses AOL Trial Offer CDs as a sundae topping.

Part of the reason Chuck Norris can kick so many people in the face before they block it is because his shadow holds them by the balls.

Chuck Norris kicked a eunuch's ass so bad, the kid got a boner.

Chuck Norris' mother tried to terminate her pregnancy, but Chuck Norris survived the operation through the sheer determination of his will

Chuck Norris believes strongly in ending world hunger. He plans to do this by terminating the populations of all third world countries.

You lose one year of your total life expectancy everytime you look at the image of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris created time. When asked why, he said because he wanted to clock his roundhouse kick.

Many years ago, Chuck Norris flipped a coin and it landed on heads, thus allowing Jean Claude Van-Damme to live.

Chuck Norris once asked God for a light, so God gave Chuck Norris the Sun

Isaac Asimov once claimed that an unstoppable force and an immovable object could not exist in the same universe. He had not yet met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once broke wind while swimming in the ocean. As a direct result of this action, there are now 7 stranded castaways on Gilligan's Isle.

Chuck Norris' sperm is so virile that it travelled back in time and impregnated his mother. Only Chuck Norris could father Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is considered a weapon of mass destruction, and George W. Bush has men working 24/7 to make sure he's not buried somewhere in Iraq.

While serving in Vietnam, Chuck Norris's diet consisted of trail mix made from the testicles of enemy soldiers. He also threw in a handful of roasted almonds to build muscle.

Once Chuck Norris was asked "who would win in a fight, him or Van Damme?" to which he replied "I have more talent in one whisker of my beard than that punk." When Van Damme heard wind of this he challenged Chuck, Chuck stood back plucked a single whisker from his beard. The whisker then proceeded to dominate Van Damme, then make love to his wife.

Mary had a little lamb. Then Chuck Norris ate it.

Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a blow torch. He fuels the torch with his own breath.

They say MacGyver can make anything out of paperclips and string using only his hands. Well, Chuck Norris can make anything out of MacGyver using only his fists.

The vein in Chuck Norris' penis is roughly the size of a fire hose.

Hitler committed suicide after hearing that Chuck Norris was swimming across the Atlantic to personally roundhouse kick him in the face.

Every wall in Chuck Norris' house is a mirror because Chuck Norris must always be surrounded by beauty.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

The reason so many Mexicans illegally immigrate across the Texas border is so they can catch a glimpse of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never showers... because he never breaks a sweat.

Chuck Norris was once the ruler of Atlantis. He became bored with his empire and decided to flush it down his toilet along with the largest shit ever made in the history of Chuck Norris. Atlantis is now known as New Jersey.

99% of Chuck Norris is kick ass. The remaining 1% is pain in your genitals. The other 10% contributes to world hunger because Chuck Norris always gives 110%.

If Chuck Norris' blood ever touches the ground the Earth will implode.

When asked by a reporter what his only weakness was Chuck Norris replied, "I sometimes love too much." He then ripped out the reporters spine and beat him to death with it.

Every time Chuck Norris throws a roundhouse kick, every woman within a 5 mileradius of Chuck will immediately achieve an orgasm.

The Chuck Norris Total Gym is actually designed to act as a religious altar where mere mortals can pray and strive to be more like the one true God Chuck Norris.

Charles Darwin based his "survival of the fittest" theory on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has 118,453 friends on myspace.com. It is an unspoken agreement that when you join his list of friends, you are actually placing your name on his list of death, but Chuck Norris' friends do not care. To die by the hand of Chuck Norris is an honor.

Chuck Norris invented time zones in order to more efficiently schedule world wide ass kickings.

Instead of tipping waitresses, Chuck Norris tells them they can be content with no tip, or 15% and hearing the soft, dull crack of their necks snapping.

If Chuck Norris had a dime for every man that didn't die from his roundhouse kick, he would have no dimes.

The pinball wizard is deaf, dumb and blind because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of him. The same is true of Helen Keller.

If you have an argument with Chuck Norris it won't last long. Not because Chuck Norris has a sense forgiveness, and understanding, but because you don't with your brain kicked in.

Chuck Norris has yet to die for your sins.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life".

Osama Bin Laden is not hiding in the mountains of Tora Bora from the United States. But instead, he is hiding from Chuck Norris because Bin Laden claims his beard possesses more power and strength than Chuck Norris'. Needless to say, Chuck Norris is fucking pissed off.

The Army's slogan, "Army of One," was based on every single Chuck Norris movie ever created.

Chuck Norris has actually known the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden for three years now. It's just that Chuck Norris isn't finished raping Osama bin Laden yet.

Watching a Chuck Norris movie will make your testicles grow 12%. And this actually happens with females too.

Chuck Norris does have a weakness... midgets. The roundhouse kicks fly right over their heads.

Chuck Norris wins the Ironman contest every year, without even entering. Way back in 1978 he showed up for the first Ironman Championship, and after the officials saw Chuck Norris, they declared him the winner, and said he was the winner every year he is alive. Everyone else is just competing for second place.

The only time Chuck Norris fucked up, was when he thought he fucked up.

There's no such thing as a near death experience. There is however, a near Chuck Norris experience.

Jesus was in fact the second coming of Chuck Norris.

God was created from one of Chuck Norris' ribs.

God is just filling in until Chuck Norris gets tired of kicking ass on earth.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever successfully run through the country of Ethiopia covered in pudding.

Chuck Norris requires a crane to mount women upon his penis.

Contrary to popular belief, Mary was not a virgin. Chuck impregnated her and the result was a bearded man named Jesus that could walk on water and turn stone into bread. He could not, however, throw a proper roundhouse kick. Chuck abandoned them and denied that Jesus was his son by proclaiming that Mary was a virgin. Everyone listened, because he is Chuck Norris.

Rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.

Life handed Chuck Norris Lemons. He roundhouse kicked life in the face while saying "I ordered a BEER BITCH!"

Chuck Norris knew what Willis was talking about and killed Gary Coleman for his blatant ignorance of the fact.

Chuck Norris is available for weddings and honeymoons. But only if he gets to fuck the bride.

Chuck Norris will fuck up a wet dream, just for fun. And he will do the same thing to you!

Chuck Norris could have put Humpty Dumpty together again, regardless of how great his fall was. The kings horses and kings men would then have recieved roundhouse kicks to the head for their failure.

Chuck Norris is always loaded. Chuck Norris does not point himself at anything he is not willing to destroy

Chuck Norris is single-handedly responsible for the creation of every sexual-education video in history.

Chuck Norris can win a game of chess by simply saying "Go fish."

Chuck Norris puts paparazzi in his protein shakes.

Chuck Norris has sold one clone of himself to each country in Europe, just in case the Germans ever decide to get crazy again.

Chuck Norris was originally casted as Tony Montana in the movie Scarface. When Chuck first said the line, "Fuck you meng," the director immidiately pissed in his pants. He was then greeted with a roundhouse kick to the orbital bone and Chuck Norris was thrown off the set.

Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick anyone in the face if they're wearing red, just in case they're a Communist.

A shark's heightened senses can, from miles away, smell blood in the water. Chuck Norris' heightened senses can, from miles away, make you bleed.

The reason so many people watched Walker: Texas Ranger over the period of eight years was not because they actually enjoyed the show, but out of sheer respect for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can read Braille with his scrotum.

Chuck Norris once went swimming... The blue whale is now endangered.

Chuck Norris can hammer a nail with one blow, without a hammer.

Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and even Chuck Norris' dick's dick is bigger than your dick.

Geico saved 15% on its car insurance by switching to Chuck Norris.

The only cure for AIDS is a round house kick to the face from Chuck Norris. There is a higher survival rate for AIDS.

Chuck Norris and his penis are allowed to run as a team in the three-legged man race at the state fair.

When people are dying, they are told not to go to the light because Chuck Norris is there waiting to kill them.

Chuck Norris only looks one way when he crosses the street.

Chuck Norris got drunk and fucked the Statue of Liberty, then bragged about it to the Lincoln Memorial.

Helen Keller is an example of someone Chuck Norris let off easy.

Chuck Norris tried to stop looters in New Orleans purely with positive thought. When that failed he shot them 14 times in the face with an assault rifle.

Chuck Norris eats sheet metal and shits out mid-sized SUVs.

Every time an Islamic Extremist terrorist blows himself up and goes to heaven to be with his 72 virgins, he discovers that Chuck Norris has already had his way with the virgins, all 72 of them.

Chuck Norris trims his beard with a dull bayonet.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris invented the atmosphere for the sole purpose of having something to roundhouse kick people out of.

Chuck Norris gives 95% of the women he bones multiple orgasms. He gives the rest concussions.

9/10 of the law is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris made earth in seven days. He later sold the rights God.

The famous video footage of Sasquatch is actually Chuck Norris returning to his woodland home after a night of binge drinking and unprotected sex.

When reading the Bible, if you substitiute "Chuck Norris" for "God" or "Jesus" it makes much more sense.

Chuck Norris was offered the role of Michael Knight in 80's TV Show Knight Rider, He turned it down however because he thought Kit was a dick.

Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.

Chuck Norris' dandruff has been a large part of our society since the 1970's...We know it as cocaine.

Chuck Norris is the reason why you touch yourself at night.

Chuck Norris once cut down a mighty redwood using only his penis. He was not erect at the time.

A waitress at a Western Sizzler accidentally gave Chuck Norris a well-done steak instead of a rare steak. Chuck proceeded to have sex with her on the table and said "Now that's well-done!" The waitress replied "That's pretty rare too!" Chuck proceeded to have sex with her 15 more times just to prove her wrong.

Chuck Norris' penis has a social security number.

Chuck Norris sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good, so be good or be prepared to have your face demolished by a roundhouse kick.

Most people don't know that Chuck Norris owns Columbia and Vietnam. After having seen all three Missing in Action and Delta Force movies, these countries decided it was best to surrender themselves to him.

Chuck Norris was one of the original members of Wu Tang Clan, but quit because they weren't street enough.

Real men don't have pubic hair. They have cock beards in honor of their leader and idol Chuck Norris.

Steven Segal is Chuck Norris’ bitch. When Chuck Norris is hungry, he says, "Bitch, make me a sandwich." Steven Segal will then proceed to make a sandwich.

Chuck Norris knows where the beef is.

Until Chuck Norris visits Baghdad, they will not find any "Weapons of Mass Destruction" in Iraq.

When Chuck Norris has a bad day, people die. When Chuck Norris has a good day... twice as many people die and a few things explode.

Chuck Norris is not, in fact, the reincarnation of Jesus. His beard, on the other hand, is.

Chuck Norris could school Peyton Manning in the art of quarterbacking. Although, Chuck Norris thinks football is for women because they wear "pads".

After starting a club in his own honor Chuck Norris soon disbanded them after learning that he is the only person that can successfully defuse a bomb, shoot three men, and get a woman pregnant at the same time.

The only gold medal Chuck Norris hasn't won at the Olympics is in gymnastics because that is for fags.

Chuck Norris does not close his eyes when sneezing.

A man once fired a bullet at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris swallowed the bullet and proceeded to drop his pants. Chuck Norris then bent over and fired the bullet out of his ass, blowing the man's head off.

Chuck Norris was actually Martin Luther King's dream.

The wood chuck didn't in fact chuck any wood because Chuck Norris kicked its ass for having the same name as he.

When you look back and see only one set of footprints, that's when Chuck Norris was carrying you.

Chuck Norris NEVER pulls out!

Chuck Norris' blood type is KO.

After filming Delta Force, Lee Marvin admitted that Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of winning a staring contest with God while getting a blowjob.

The term "nunchuck" was actually coined after Chuck Norris used a pair of Catholic Nuns as weapons to mercilessly beat an angry mob to death. Chuck makes weapons from his surroundings.

Scruff Mcgruff took a bite out of crime, but Chuck Norris took a bite out of Scruff Mcgruff

Chuck Norris does not shave with a conventional razor, he simply coats his head in blood and dips his face into a shark tank.

Chuck Norris Is My Co-Pilot.

Some people have bumper stickers that either say "I'd Rather Be Hunting", "I'd Rather Be Golfing", or "I'd Rather Be Fishing". Chuck Norris has a bumper sticker that says, "I'd Rather Be Killing".

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris doesn't use toilets. His colon actually compresses his waste to the point of nuclear fusion. The resulting energy is converted into electricity which powers Las Vegas.

Chuck Norris volunteers at an abortion clinic where he round-house kicks preganent women in the stomach.

All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again. Chuck Norris turned up later, and put Humpty together again, but only so he could "smash him good". Humpty remains in a critical condition.

Chuck Norris created the world, then he gave it a roundhouse kick in the northern hemisphere and created continents.

The Bible says that Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus. Chuck Norris has a polaroid that proves otherwise.

If Chuck Norris looks at you and even THINKS about Jesus, you are immediately converted to Christianity.

Chuck Norris is, in fact, a species. The rest of his kind died out with the dinosaurs. Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India, bringing profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as a God.

Chuck Norris had a twin brother, but killed him in the womb when he first learned how to kick.

Chuck Norris eats pencils and markers for breakfast, and he shits out masterpieces. God calls Chuck Norris "sir."

Muhammad Ali does not have Parkinson's. He simply shivers in the fear the Chuck Norris will kill him.

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, laughs at Vin Diesel, and instead requests a bazooka and a bathtub.

The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.

Chuck Norris can bench-press the moon.

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth. He points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out.

A shark's heightened senses can, from miles away, smell blood in the water. Chuck Norris' heightened senses can, from miles away, make you bleed.

Once Chuck Norris fell into a snake pit. When he came out, he had a brand new pair of rattlesnake-skin boots.

It takes an Amish town one day to put up a barn. It takes one minute for Chuck Norris to have sex with all the Amish women in the barn then kick the barn down.

Ever wonder why scientists haven't gone forward with cloning human beings? Could you ever imagine a world with TWO Chuck Norrises?

One time, while boating in the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Norris ate some bad clams and threw up overboard. His vomit solidified and became Hawaii.

It is a scientific fact that any woman who masterbates to a picture of Chuck Norris will climax in 2.83 seconds, then immediatly explode.

Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.

In Indo-China, Chuck Norris' left testicle is worshiped as the God of Love, whereas his right testicle is viewed as fire breathing demon from hell.

Hurricane Katrina was caused solely by Chuck Norris' distaste for jambalaya.

Contrary to popular belief, it was Chuck Norris, not Angelina Jolie, that broke up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.

The Bible says Samson killed 15,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. When God asked Chuck Norris what he thought about that, he said, "That's one way to do it." God laughed at Chuck's wisdom, and said, "I knew you were going to say that."

Once while at a party Chuck Norris slit his wrist and used his blood to substitute the tobasco sauce that had ran out. Everyone who ate it tragically died hours later, everyone who refused to eat it suffered fatal roundhouse kicks by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has read this site and all of it's facts. They made him laugh quite hard. He laughed, because it was all true.

One night Chuck was taking an extremely painful shit after eating some bad pork lo mein. The result was Jet Li.

Chuck Norris can crush a 6-pack with his rectum.

Chuck Norris does not need a passport. Chuck Norris exists in all 24 time zones simultaneously.

Mikey likes "Life". Chuck Norris likes death.

Jesus turned water into wine. Chuck Norris taught him how.

Praying Mantises take after Chuck Norris. After having sex they bite off the head of their mate.

Prostitutes pay Chuck Norris for sex.

Chuck Norris does not flex at 100%, if he did, his muscle mass would become so dense it would create it's own gravitational field similar to that of a black hole... Killing all living things in the universe, except himself.

Chuck Norris is accurate to within 1 second in a million years

Chuck Norris is the reason you have a penis.

Chuck Norris started his own deli. The main dish is a knuckle sandwich

Chuck Norris doesn't have any friends, just people he doesn't hate as much.

Chuck Norris once tried to play baseball. When it was his turn to hit, he left the bat behind and decided he would roundhouse kick it. The pitcher threw the fastest pitch he could, but the ball blew up half way to the plate out of fear.

It is impossible for Chuck Norris to rape anyone because who would turn Chuck Norris down?

Whever Chuck Norris has an orgasm, a building explodes.

A kid once stole Chuck Norris' hat and ran into an apple orchard. Chuck Norris flew into such a rage that he accidentally invented apple sauce.

Chuck Norris didn't cross the line. The line bent to his liking.

Chuck Norris's dick is the reason why Dakota Fanning's teeth are so messed up.

Someone once approached Chuck Norris suggesting that rearranging the letters in his name reveals the message "I churn corks". He then brutally murdered them saying "They knew too much".

When Chuck Norris surfs the web, computers get new viruses.

The only reason sperm whales are named as they are is because Chuck Norris named them that when he discovered they were the only animals that could deep throat him.

By reading this site you are automatically added to Chuck Norris' death list. You should now make a will, make peace with your family, and prepare for the end.

Chuck Norris stands outside of abortion clinics and stomp-kicks babies out of pregnant women after shouting, "Sunset!" Every woman that has had this done has thanked Chuck Norris. Then Chuck re-impregnated all of them with his seed.

Chuck Norris once wrestled a bear, an alligator, and a mountain lion all at once. He won by tying them together with an anaconda.

Chuck Norris has won the Super Bowl twice, a World Series, 7 PBA Bowling tournaments, 46 Olympic gold medals, 5 Stanley Cups, 3 World Series of Poker championships, 1,712 pie eating contests, 4,832 pillow fights, and took second at the Westminster Dog Show in 1982.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick the bedroom light off and get under the covers before the room turns dark.

Chuck Norris was skipping stones off the coast of New Jersey and accidentally killed 13 people in Europe

After many years of gun use, Chuck Norris no longer uses guns. Now he just roundhouse kicks the bullets towards his target. He never misses. Never.

Curiosity did not kill the cat, Chuck Norris did. He then skinned and ate the damn cat.

Chuck Norris couldn't strangle you, but he'd sure as hell decapitate you.

Chuck Norris has not killed more people than heart attacks yet, but that's only because heart attacks don't do charity work on the side.

The only thing Chuck Norris ever lost was his virginity

Before filming Missing in Action II, Chuck Norris invented mathematics, so they could complete the title.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

Everytime Chuck Norris round-house kicks a criminal, the criminal's ancestors are knocked out of heaven and into hell.

Chuck Norris once stuffed a dollar bill in a guys mouth, roundhouse kicked him in the face, then four quarters popped out of his ass.

Chuck Norris was born a blonde, but the blood of his victims dyed his hair and beard to a healthy orange.

Chuck Norris is currently the number one cure for VD. His sheer penetration automatically destroys all parasites.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he really is digging for gold.

Chuck Norris plays marbles with grenades.

Chuck Norris was once accused of heresy by the Pope, but as it turns out, Chuck Norris is, in fact, the true son of god.

Everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone an angel gets its wings. But Chuck Norris hates angels. So everytime an angel gets its wings it also gets a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris flosses with barb wire.

Chuck Norris once knocked out his own shadow.

Chuck Norris' penis can beat you in twister.

When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks people, they do not die of blunt trauma or tissue damage. They simply lose the will to live.

Chuck Norris invented kryptonite because he thought Superman was "too cocky".

The iceberg that sunk the Titanic was actually a kidney stone that Chuck Norris passed.

Chuck Norris is the final picture on an Evolution chart.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris contracted every STD known to man, just to show that STD's are for pussies.

By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetery with full honors.

Chuck Norris' orgasms produce an electromagnetic pulse in a 2 mile radius.

Chuck Norris does not shotgun cans of beer. He shotguns kegs.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a drooling retarded kid because he thought he was spitting at him.

While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.

76% of all suicides are committed when someone finds out that they are not Chuck Norris.

Long ago, Chuck Norris invented the roundhouse kick. He then invented pain to have fun with his new creation. Finally, because everyone knew better than to go near him, he invented stupidity.

Chuck Norris Saved President Bush from choking on a pretzel by roundhouse kicking him in the throat. Chuck didn't Realize he was choking, he just wanted to roundhouse kick him in the throat.

Chuck Norris' first girlfriend died from exaustion. As did his second, and any girl up until now. In fact, the only thing more deadly than pissing off Chuck Norris is having sex with him. Despite this fact, Chuck Norris deflowers, and therefore terminates, an average of 498 virgins a day.

What happens when an entire nation rises against Chuck Norris? Ask the citizens of Atlantis.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, and not Space, is the final frontier.

Adolf Hitler didnt take his own life. Chuck Norris' fist took it.

Chuck Norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. He only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with Chuck is Chuck.

Chuck Norris is faster than sound. Should you ever hear him speak in a one-on-one conversation, there is a good chance you have yet to realize that nanoseconds ago you received a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a horn in his pick-up truck. Instead he channels all his roadrage in one gigantic roar of pure manhood. The roar is so powerful that it makes all the other vehicles implode instantly, killing everybody sitting inside them. He then roundhouse kicks his way out of his imploded truck.

Chuck Norris can play the bongo drums with his hands behind his back. He accomplishes this by leaning over them really close and flexing his pecs. The sweet rhythms he produces are the most potent form of aphrodisiac known to man.

Chuck Norris doesn't experience miracles, he makes them.

The sun doesn't actually rise or set. Chuck Norris simply claps twice.

Chuck Norris is Intelligent Design. God rested on the 7th day, and Chuck Norris took over.

A man once made the mistake of butting in front of Chuck Norris in a line. Chuck then proceeded to physically shove the mans head up his own ass.

Chuck Norris is actually the name of the species that "Chuck Norris" belonged to. Sadly, they were poached to the brink of extinction for their beautiful beards. Only one of these Chuck Norris's survived.

Chuck Norris beat IBM's Deep Blue in chess in under 30 seconds, then killed the families of the engineers who designed it because Chuck Norris has no patience for incompetence.

Chuck Norris is an anagram for "Shrink Occur". That is why your testicles feel small whenever you look upon his mighty visage.

To maintain his status as the life of the party, Chuck Norris shaves his beard and amazes the crowd as they watch it grow back before them.

Chuck Norris ate the last piece of pizza. What are you gonna do about it?

Chuck Norris has 92 chromosomes rather than the normal 46, meaning he is scientifically twice as good as any other human in existence.

Chuck Norris goes in through the Out door.

Obviously, on the seventh day God did not rest. He created Chuck Norris; his most successful creation.

Chuck Norris doesnt have a keyboard for his computer, instead he stares at the screen untill his thoughts appear there.

Chuck Norris once fought God. Who won? People are still trying to find God, and Chuck Norris is on a perpetual worldwide victory lap.

It was actually a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris that put Terry Schiavo in a persistent vegetative state.

Chuck Norris once fired off a roundhouse kick to the head of an Asian opponent so hard that he made his slant eyes round.

Chuck Norris once downed a 40 of malt liquor at an AA meeting.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

In high school, Chuck Norris had a reputation. He once used an M-60 heavy-fire machine gun on a bully. 26 innocent deaths was a small price to pay for vigilante justice.

Chuck Norris never makes grammatical or spelling errors. He just invents new words and grammatical rules.

What Kayne West forgot to tell you is Chuck Norris also does not care about black people. He does not care about white people, Asians or Hispanics. In fact all Chuck Norris cares about is Chuck Norris.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Chuck Norris is mightier than the pen. Many people have believed that Superman is the only person strong enough to move buildings. Chuck Norris proved this statement wrong with a Round House Kick to the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can kick your child honor student's ass.

Chuck Norris once participated in an orgy with 500 other people. The only survivor is now in a coma.

Chuck Norris sharpens his chainsaw with his beard.

On Halloween, God dresses up as Chuck Norris.

Soon after birth, Chuck Norris' mother requested that he be circumcised. He then round house kicked her in the face and fled, dragging his dead mother behind him by her umbilical cord.

The only thing hairier than Chuck Norris's beard are his balls.

Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick his other leg.

Chuck Norris once ate 73 hot dogs in 2 minutes and the resulting shit formed the Taj Mahal.

In the fine print of the Geneva Convention, it lists "Death by Norris" as Cruel and Unusual Punishment. Shame nobody's had the balls to enforce it.

In 2001, Chuck Norris appeared on Celebrity Jeopardy. He didn't answer anything in the form of a question, and when Alex Trebek called him on it, he roundhouse kicked the mustache right off Trebek's face, then had sex with Minnie Driver on his podium.

Carbon fiber, an expensive yet extremely strong and lightweight material is not actually made of Carbon, but rather Chuck Norris' ass hair.

After repeatedly failing at the development of an atomic weapon, Einstein and other members of the Manhattan Project called upon Chuck Norris and a flurry of roundhouse kicks to split the atom.

There once was a man from Nantucket. Chuck Norris paralyzed him from the waist down.

There is no such thing as Global Warming. We are only feeling the heat coming off of Chuck Norris after he realized McDonald's messed up his drive through order.

Many times has Chuck Norris stared death in the face. Every time death has been spared.

The only reason Chuck Norris has a beard is to cushion the blows of the roundhouse kicks he sometimes delivers to himself when no one is around to be roundhouse kicked.

A man compared Chuck Norris to Jean-Claude Van Damme once. Once.

Michael Jackson didn't have facial reconstructive surgery. Chuck Norris kicked him in the face for making crappy music.

Chuck Norris once punched a drug dealer so hard, that he ripped a hole in the fabric of time and space, resulting in Chuck traveling back in time during the Revolutionary War. Chuck Norris then proceeded to singlehandedly beat the Brits during the battles at Lexington and Concord.

It is said that Chuck Norris' fists have the ability to turn Rosie O'Donnel momentarily straight.

Chuck Norris kicked Michael Jackson in the chest so hard that Janet Jackson's tit popped out of her jacket.

Ghandi used to be a Nazi before Chuck Norris Round House Kicked him in the face. Showing him that violence is not the answer.

Chuck Norris' penis was the inspiration for the Swiss Army knife.

Chuck Norris once round house kicked every citizen in Canada with one swift move. When questioned about the kick Chuck replied, "Canada is for pussies."

Chuck Norris was actually sworn into the Supreme Court, but left after the court unanimously voted that his legs had spread enough justice.

Chuck Norris' beard trimmings are a source of 7 essential nutrients.

Phobias are afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris cures homosexuality in women. Unfortunately, he also turns all men gay.

Upon finding this very website, Chuck Norris hunted down and roundhouse kicked every contributer.

Chuck Norris built Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris once challenged God to a drinking contest. The result was the Gulf of Mexico.

The only difference between Chuck Norris and Superman is that Chuck Norris eats graded Kryptonite on his salad and pasta at The Olive Garden.

Chuck Norris hates it when people have lisps, so he roundhouses kicks them in the throat, silencing them for all eternity.

Chuck Norris got drunk at a bar and passed out. Luckily, his beard called him a cab, directed the driver to the correct address, and finally roundhouse kicked its way through Norris' front door. When Chuck awoke the next morning, he noticed breakfast and the daily paper by his bedside. Chucks beard thanks God for every day it remains unshaven and continues to recognize who it works for.

Mr. T once pitied Chuck Norris. He never made that mistake again.

Mr T pities the fool, Chuck Norris just beats the fuck out of the fool.

The reason The VietCong dug tunnels in Vietnam was not to make surprise attacks on the South Vietnamese or American soldiers, but to hide from Chuck Norris...

When Chuck Norris falls asleep time stops out of fear of waking him up, thus creating the illusion that Chuck never sleeps.

Chuck Norris once went into a room with ten bad guys in it, but only had nine bullets. He came out without a scratch, and a full clip.

Chuck Norris' beard is the hardest substance known to man, followed closely by Chuck Norris' flexed biceps.

Kryptonite is to Superman as Canada is to Chuck Norris. He hates that place.

For every time Chuck Norris kills a man, an angel gets its wings. For every time a puppy dies, Chuck Norris laughs.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life".

Every time someone takes God's name in vain, Chuck Norris gets royalties.

The average life expectancy for a paratrooper in Vietnam was 17 seconds. The average life expectancy after calling Chuck Norris "Chucky" to his face is -7 seconds.

Chuck Norris donates all proceeds from the Total Gym to his Children Without Beards organization.

Chuck Norris wins the Oscar for Best Actor every year. However, he refuses to accept the trophy until Oscar grows a beard.

Chuck Norris does not know how to swim, but water is too afraid to do anything about it.

When Chuck Norris dies, he goes to a special division of heaven, where everyone who has taken Norris' name in vain also resides, so he can singlehandedly beat them down.

Chuck Norris invented the rainbow. Soon thereafter, he roundhouse kicked that rainbow because he thought it looked gay.

Dan Rather's toupe is an exact replica of Chuck Norris' pubic hair.

Chuck Norris went to a fortune teller once. She predicted pain.

Instead of finding two of every animal, to save time, Noah simply one female of each species and then put Chuck Norris onto the ark. The animal kingdom lives on.

Shaking Chuck Norris' hand can be harmful to your health. Just ask Christopher Reeve.

Chuck Norris combs his hair with a rake, he wipes his ass with poison ivy, and he pours beer over his cereal.

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

Two words that lead us to believe that Osama Bin Laden is already dead...Chuck Norris.

In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.

The only thing stronger than kevlar are vests woven out of Chuck Norris' chest hair.

The newest episode of Fear Factor involved a staring contest with Chuck Norris. The episode was thrown out due to lawsuits including the contestants turning into stone.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Chuck Norris' mom was a virgin when she had him. Apparently, his testosterone levels are so high, he was able to impregnate her before he was even conceived.

It has been reported that plants will often times lean in the direction of Chuck Norris' house because his glow is 10 million times that of the sun.

Chuck Norris can satisfy a woman just by looking at her. If he smiles, she can't walk right for a week.

Chuck Norris' five o' clock shadow appears at noon.

The dinosaurs were not killed by a comet. Chuck Norris destroyed it before impact. He then yelled "phsyche!" and proceeded to kill every dinosaur his bare hands.

When Chuck Norris takes a leak, a rainbow appears.

What did Chuck Norris say to Rick James after a round house kick to the face? "I'm Chuck Norris Bitch!"

When you die, the last thing you see is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris says jump, you ask for permission to come down.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Noris has bed sheets that are made from 60 grade sandpaper.

Chuck Norris is the source of all light. The sun gets it power through energy created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks anything.

Chuck Norris had sex with your mom, and your dad gave him a high five.

When Chuck Norris looks at the sun, the sun looks away.

Chuck Norris will never get sick because germs are scared of him.

Chuck Norris is a world champion in Long Distance Shitting. He once propelled a shit more than 1000 yards, where it landed perfectly in a toilet, without even making a splash. The sport was outlawed, however, after a stray shit from Norris struck a hobo 10 miles away, killing him instantly.

Christmas cards from Chuck Norris have pop-out feet that roundhouse kick the person who opens the card.

Chuck Norris is the reason you don't mess with Texas.

Chuck Norris once fucked a prostitute and got AIDS. He then went home and slept it off.

Chuck Norris banged Rosie O'Donnell just to prove that no man can resist Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was inspiration for all the characters in all of the Mortal Kombat games. Yes, even the female characters. But Chuck Norris did not use a knife on a rope as Scorpion does to do his "get over here!" attack, Chuck of course used his penis.

Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child. We know him as Superman.

"Alien vs Predator" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.

The original title of the Bible was "Chuck Norris and Friends."

Artificial insemination was invented when, during an intense and vigorous masturbation session, Chuck Norris' high velocity ejaculate penetrated a woman's vagina from a quarter of a mile away.

Chuck Norris invented the left turn. This was so he could roundhouse kick people both ways.

The Chinese had two ideas to keep the Mongols out. Sadly, Chuck Norris works for no man so they had to settle on the Great Wall.

WARNING! Chuck Norris may cause nausea, vomiting, headaches, dry mouth or anal seepage.

They say MacGyver can make anything out of paperclips and string using only his hands. Well, Chuck Norris can make anything out of MacGyver using only his fists.

Chuck's testicles have their own beard.

Chuck Norris eats Viagra only so that he can have an extra loaded weapon on him at all times.

When Chuck Norris punches you in the uterus, you become pregnant. Dont try an abortion, either, it only makes the fetus stronger.

Chuck Norris puts on his pants two legs at a time.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a crocodile so hard it exploded into a pair of crocodile skin cowboy boots and a beard. Chuck wears both to this day.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

If you try to say Chuck Norris five times, as fast as you can, your head will explode. If it doesn't happen to you, you're not saying it fast enough.

Chuck Norris once had a head on collision with the sun. Luckily, the sun is so far away that the shift of its position had no effect on Earth.

Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris is a strong proponent for the advancement in science. That is why Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the down's syndrome out of a retarded kid. That kid is now known as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris' ball sweat is an acid so potent, the only things that can withstand it are Chuck Norris' balls.

A woman once got pregnant by watching a Chuck Norris movie.

Gary Coleman use to be 7 foot 2 inches...until he met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris commits suicide on Friday evenings just to spice up the weekends.

Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer, "to get a better look at the sun."

Chuck Norris believes that pain is weakness leaving the body. When he's done with people, they don't have any weakness left.

Chuck Norris called 911 one time in his life, just to hear his new ring tone.

9 of 10 greek myths are actually based on Chuck Norris.

When boiled in hot water, the hair from Chuck Norris's beard turns into crack cocaine.

Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.

Chuck Norris can shoot rockets out of his penis. This bit of intelligence caused Russia to drop out of the Cold War.

Any one exposed to Chuck Norris' blood will die. Mainly because it is 87% mercury.

On 9/11 Chuck Norris didn't say anything. Instead he hopped into the Norriscoptor, flew to Afghanistan, captured Osama bin Laden and keeps him locked in his basement. He has promised President Bush he'll turn him over once he's done beating the shit out of him.

When playing Monopoly, Chuck Norris never goes to jail. Jail is for pussies.

Chuck Norris can make Communism work.

Don't even bother. Chuck Norris already did it. Better.

Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

Neither Firestone tires nor the Ford Explorer can be blamed for the deaths of hundreds of people. Chuck Norris has a casual distaste for small SUV's.

"Alien vs Predator" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.

Chuck Norris outlasted the Energizer Bunny.

The only person that can kill Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. He is waiting until he runs out of other people to kill.

The only reason crumbs fall into Chuck Norris' beard is because it needs to eat too.

Chuck Norris knows whether the moon landings were fake or not.

Plugging Chuck Norris into any equation makes the outcome equal to pain.

If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.

Chuck Norris once swallowed a live grenade. When it exploded, he burped and exclaimed, "That's a spicy meatball."

Chuck Norris killed Nicole Simpson. O.J. is afraid to point out the real killer.

Outkast apologized for making Mrs. Jackson's daughter cry. Chuck Norris didn't, and swiftly roundhouse kicked Andre 3000 for being a pussy.

On a hot Texas day, Chuck Norris heard a Yankee make the comment, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity that will kill you." Chuck immediately roundhouse kicked him into the sun.

Chuck Norris' beard is actually composed of all 118 elements of the periodic table.

Chuck Norris' beard hair, much like tiger penis and deer antler, is believed to be an aphrodesiac in China.

Doctor Jack Kevorkian now refers his patients to Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris works out and claims he "feels the burn", his legs are actually on fire. This is the absolute worst moment to be roundhouse kicked by him.

Chuck Norris killed Tupac, the Notorious B.I.G., and is currently working on 50 Cent.

On August 16,1977, Elvis Presley was actually severely constipated from the consumption of too many fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. He then hired Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick the shit out of him, as enemas were not working. This turned out to be a very, very fatal mistake on the part of the King Of Rock And Roll.

Osama Bin Laden is hiding from Chuck Norris.

The beard of Chuck Norris is made of razor wire, painted with ox blood, and held together by the souls of mortals he has defeated.

Only once has Chuck Norris performed a poor roundhouse kick. He punished himself by roundhouse kicking himself in the throat... It was his best ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't walk on water, the water kisses his feet.

Chuck Norris is listed on the New York stock exchange.

Chuck Norris still owns slaves. Mankind are his slaves.

Chuck Norris' shit is collected and sold as "Quick Start" fire logs.

There is a new law that is currently under Senate review. If this law is passed, it will give Chuck Norris the responsibilty of patrolling the entire U.S./Mexico border.

All Chuck Norris wants for Christmas is your two front teeth.

When Chuck Norris was in high school, he saw a kid get laughed at by some girls. Chuck Norris whispered one word to the kid on how to get action from the ladies. That kid grew up to become Wilt Chamberlin.

Chuck Norris takes regular drives through tough neighborhoods with his doors unlocked.

Prostate cancer gets regularly checked for Chuck Norris.

God was created from one of Chuck Norris' ribs.

Chuck Norris was once watching the movie "Bambi" with his five year old son. When the lovable Bambi was shot, his son began to cry. Chuck stood up, and in a fit of rage yelled, "Chuck Norris doesn't raise pussies. Do I have to round house kick you back into your mother's womb?" After his son shook his head no, Chuck sat back down on the couch. Just when everything seemed calm, he executed one of his infamous no look punches on his son and then yelled, "Sneak attack, bitch."

Chuck Norris only has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

If your favorite song is "Alive" by Pearl Jam, Chuck Norris wants you to think again.

Contrary to popular belief, Mary was not a virgin. Chuck impregnated her and the result was a bearded man named Jesus that could walk on water and turn stone into bread. He could not, however, throw a proper roundhouse kick. Chuck abandoned them and denied that Jesus was his son by proclaiming that Mary was a virgin. Everyone listened, because he is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick holds the land speed record.

When Chuck Norris' head hurts, he hurts it back.

Chuck Norris wears a mullet wig on weekends just so he can kick the asses of those who make fun of him.

Chuck Norris flosses with barbed wire.

Chuck Norris' pubic hair is twice as thick as his beard... but not nearly as deadly.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

The way the wind blows depends on which direction Chuck Norris is kicking ass.

When Chuck Norris helps you jumpstart your car, remember: beard is positive, fist is negative.

There is intelligent life in the Universe, but they have not contacted Earth yet because they are avoiding Chuck Norris. Yes, they are just that intelligent!

When Chuck Norris inhales deeply, everyone within a 30 ft. radius suffocates to death.

If there was such thing as a Chuck Norris doll you can be certain Pinocchio would stop his fucking lying.

Chuck Norris shaved his leg hair and made blankets for every orphanage in Asia.

Dying in your sleep is not from natural causes...It's from Chuck Norris roundhousing you in your dreams.

Chuck Norris once swallowed, sugar, spice, and everything nice and shit out Angelina Jolie

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

Chuck Norris was not born, he was forged.

Chuck Norris can drink a gallon of milk and poop whole sticks of butter.

When dining out with Chuck Norris, he will foot the bill and give a good tip. That is to say, he will roundhouse kick the waiter and say, "Don't fuck with Chuck."

Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris broke Major Tom's circuit. He was also the reason the Earth was blue and there was nothing Major Tom could do.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and fear itself fears Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man in the face with his penis. Having touched Chuck Norris' penis, the man instantly turned to gold.

Chuck Norris invented water so he could walk on it.

There is no gravity. You're being held down purely by Chuck Norris' animal magnetism.

Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.

Most people don't know that uranium, the essential ingredient in nuclear weapons, is the scientific name for Chuck Norris' beard.

God is invisible because He's hiding from Chuck Norris.

Each individual sperm cell in Chuck Norris' semen has a beard.

Jesus turned water into wine. Chuck Norris taught him how.

Chuck Norris has only celebrated April Fools Day once. The result was homosexuals.

Chuck Norris wrote every song that 50 Cent ever sang.

Chuck Norris does not shit. He excretes weakness.

Chuck Norris' jeans took 17 years of specialist design by NASA in order to create a fabric strong enough with withstand the G forces generated by his roundhouse kicks.

The core of every Nuclear weapon is thought to be made of the unstable element uranium, but the government just says that to trick the Brits, communists, and Muslims. In the very center of the core of American nuclear weapons is a molecule from a hair in Chuck Norris' beard.

Chuck Norris made the first oak tree by planting one of his arm hairs.

NASA scientists test space shuttle heat shields by attatching samples to Chuck Norris' right foot, the only thing known to man that can cut through the air at mach 17.

90's rap group Kris Kross didn't actually wear their clothes backwards; their heads were actually stuck backwards on their bodies after being roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

Lemmings run off cliffs because of Chuck Norris.

Global warming is not because of pollution, global warming occurred because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the polar ice caps. Chuck Norris hates the cold.

Chuck Norris was the 5th face on Mount Rushmore, but when the artist got his nose wrong, Norris karate chopped it off the mountain

Chuck Norris once gave a midget a roundhouse kick, the midget burst into 25 gold coins.

Chuck Norris can penetrate a female from up to a mile away, not psychokinetically, he just has a very large cock.

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

The Big Bang was a result of Chuck Norris learning how to effectively use the roundhouse kick.

The ringtone on Chuck Norris's cell phone is a recording of people that he has killed pleading for their lives.

Chuck Norris cannot be duplicated. If you try to duplicate Chuck Norris he will duplicate you. This is for the sole purpose that he can have the pleasure of killing you twice.

Chuck Norris abducts aliens.

On Halloween, God dresses up as Chuck Norris.

What is the only thing worse than Chuck Norris with a gun. Chuck Norris without a gun.

Chuck Norris once purchased a home at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean and made it his permanent residence for two months to prove that he only breathes because he "feels like it."

The last words Gandhi ever heared were, "Take a dirt-nap, asshole." Who uttered these immortal lines? As if you have to ask.

Chuck Norris' urine is an alternative fuel source.

For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris made a sex tape once. It was called the Bowflex Instructional Video.

Chuck Norris doesn't use a remote. He scares the TV into changing the channel.

If Chuck Norris had a hammer, he wouldn't need it. For anything.

Chuck Norris can travel through time by running at 88 miles per hour.

Chinese women gargle a mixture of panther blood and Chuck Norris's pubic hair to insure that they conceive male children.

Kryptonite only makes Chuck Norris stronger. This fact led to the now famous incident when he called Superman a "Pussy".

As a toddler, Chuck Norris could fit the square pegs in the circular holes.

Chuck Norris once ate all the potatoes in Ireland, causing the potato famine.

Chuck Norris once stubbed his toe in California. The result was the formation of the San Andreas fault.

If you ever have the feeling you're being watched, it's Chuck Norris who is watching.

The producers of the movie Anaconda almost saved tons of money by using Chuck Norris' penis as the Anaconda, rather than a computer animated one. They turned it down because they claimed "Anacondas can never grow to be that big, not even in Hollywood."

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.

The Earth doesn't revolve. It's just trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' beard can read braille.

In space, Chuck Norris can hear you scream.

Chuck Norris has slept with every woman in the world just to be absolutely sure that he has fucked your wife.

Chuck Norris cried wolf, only to beat up the villagers who showed up.

Chuck Norris does not need a passport. Chuck Norris exists in all 24 time zones simultaneously.

A rattlesnake once tried to bite Chuck Norris, but its fangs couldn't puncture his tougher-than-Kevlar skin. Chuck Norris now wears this snake as a belt. It's still alive.

Chuck Norris once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.

Chuck Norris doesn't use weapons because Chuck Norris is the ultimate weapon.

Chuck Norris removed his own tonsils. He didn't even have tonsillitis.

In 1974, Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris was filmed, but could not be released since Godzilla died midway through the shoot.

Chuck Norris was in a very crowded mall one day. After seeing a hair salon ad, with a freshly groomed man on it, He then thought that he could use a shave. At which point, for having such a thought, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked himself. The only thing left standing within a 12 mile radius was Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is God's apology for creating Mexicans.

Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee, who was in turn trained by a time traveling Chuck Norris thus completing the circle.

A midget, a rabbi, and a horse all walk into a bar. Ah, fuck it. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked all their asses.

Chuck Norris found Osama Bin Laden, Osama just doesn't know it yet.

Chuck Norris can screw a flathead screw into the wall with a phillips screwdriver.

Stores will accept Monopoly money if Chuck Norris is paying.

Chuck Norris' blood type is D.O.A.

One time during a movie shoot in the Rockies, Chuck Norris got pissed off because someone forgot their lines. He was so angry that he walked over to the nearest mountain and roundhouse kicked it. But the kick was so powerful that it changed the Earth's orbit. And that's why we have leap years.

Chuck Norris considered the movie "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" a chick flick.

A Chuck Norris divided can, in fact, stand.

Chuck Norris can cough, sneeze, fart and punch at the same time.

Chuck Norris is the major cause of death amongst males between 20 and 60 years of age.

Chuck Norris drives a pickup truck upholstered in denim.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!"

Despite his fabled sexual prowess, Chuck Norris does in fact have one true love. That true love's name is Pain.

Chuck Norris scared God into giving men nipples. They are his targets.

Chuck Norris invented the life cycle so that he wouldn't have to repeatedly kick the asses of the same people for eternity.

Everytime a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bad guy.

Chuck Norris was raised to respect the views and opinions of others, with a swift kick to the face.

Chuck Norris invented Viagra, but only so the rest of us could dream of achieving his god-like libido.

Chuck Norris' face grew from his beard and his body followed shortly after.

Chuck Norris doesn't use yeast when baking, the dough rises out of respect.

Chuck Norris can draw a square circle.

Unlike Meatloaf, Chuck Norris would do anything for love, including "that".

Chuck Norris performs cold fusion in his left testicle, and nuclear fission in his right.

Mothers warn their kids not to play with themselves by telling them that Chuck Norris will grow on their palms and roundhouse kick their balls off.

The real reason Stephen Hawking is in a Wheelchair is not because of ALS but because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the back for beating him in a spelling bee.

When Chuck Norris bleeds, oak trees sprout up from where the blood fell.

No one yet knows the meaning of life. This is because Chuck Norris has it written down on a piece of paper in his back pocket.

Before Chuck Norris had invented the Roundhouse Kick, he had created a move he called "The Norris Kick." In fact, this was just a regular roundhouse kick, but involved a lot more sex.

Chuck Norris actually died in 1986, but Heaven didn't want him since he was known to rip the wings off angels.

It is Chuck Norris' eye that adorns the Great Seal on the back of the $1 bill. He is all seeing.

Every morning Chuck starts his day off by roundhouse kicking 14 small children. Why 14? 14 is not only Chuck's favorite number, but it is also the number of times Chuck has had sex with your mother.

Chuck Norris' beard is the Seventh Wonder of the Ancient World. It destroyed the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and took its rightful place.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to use email or a cell phone. He only communicates through pain.

Chuck Norris eats pencils and markers for breakfast, and he shits out masterpieces.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a beard, he saves a hair from every man he kills and glues it to his chin.

Chuck Norris once decided to find a substitute for butter. He took a shit and invented Margarine.

In WWII, Einstien and his colleague Chuck Norris were called upon to develop a weapon capable of mass destruction. They created two. One was the atom bomb. The other, the roundhouse kick. Sending Chuck Norris in to roundhouse kick everyone was much more enviromentally friendly, but in the end the government decided to use the atom bomb. When asked why, an official was quoted saying, "Our goal is to hurt Japan, not decimate it." Hearing this comment, Chuck Norris proceeded to call the official a "pussy", and roundhouse kicked him into a new millenium. This official is known as Al Gore.

A reporter once asked Chuck Norris how he had gotten such a violent reputation. Chuck Norris responded, "By being violent." The reporter was promptly carried away from the interview in several pieces.

When the medical industry falls on tough times they call upon Chuck Norris to roam the countryside delivering roundhouse kicks to anyone who may cross his path in order to stimulate business in hospitals.

Chuck Norris lucky number is one, becuase thats how many tries it takes him to accomplish any task.

Chuck Norris manufactures barbed wire from his beard shavings.

Chuck Norris has a penis like a Pringles can. When flaccid.

G.I. Joe was originally titled: G.I. Chuck Norris, but Hasbro thought that the doll was too manly and would scare small children. They kept the Kung-fu grip.

Walker Texas Ranger is just a normal man, but when danger calls he transforms into Chuck Norris.

People who maintain that "size doesn't matter" have never had sex with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't shoot skeets; he just points at them while in flight, and they explode. He has never missed.

Space is infinite. Surprisingly enough, so is the amount of beard that Chuck Norris can produce.

Chuck Norris' last option is violence. It is also his only option.

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth. He points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out.

Chuck Norris once took over a small town in Guam, thus naming himself King Norris. His only law was that if someone looked at him the wrong way there would be a public execution. The offender would then have the choice of execution, either a kick to the head, or a blow from the fist to the neck. The town lasted three days.

Chuck Norris is the only one who knows every trick in "the book" because Chuck Norris wrote "the book".

Chuck Norris does not lift weights. He folds them.

Chuck Norris invented EZ Squeeze Cheeze, he got the idea from crushing a man until his intestines came out of his mouth.

Once, someone tried to take Chuck Norris by the hand. Chuck Norris took that person by the soul.

Chuck Norris can cough, sneeze, fart and punch at the same time.

Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with 6 bullets.....and wins.

On the first day God created the heavens and the earth, looked down, and then said, "Holy shit, is that Chuck Norris?"

The Holocaust would have been so much worse if Chuck Norris hated Jews.

Chuck Norris is a God-fearing man. Unfortunately, God is a Chuck Norris-fearing god.

Chuck Norris' memoir sells as many copies as the Bible. In fact, it is the Bible.

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? Only Chuck Norris can answer that, but if you ask him, he WILL kill you.

Chuck Norris holds the world record for the farthest a coconut has be fired from a person's asshole.

Everytime Chuck Norris sneezes, an angel gets its wings, and a category 5 hurricane is born.

Scientists couldn't believe how stupid they had been after Chuck Norris revealed that Stonehenge was nothing more than his weight room.

Chuck Norris once vacationed in a whale’s gut for 3 months just to call Jonah a bitch.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jimmy Hoffa into the future. In the year 2052, Hoffa will reappear and fly through the windshield of a flying car.

Chuck Norris can hear testosterone.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a foreskin, he has a fiveskin.

Chuck Norris once stared down a mirror.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris once laughed so hard after seeing a midget fall down a flight of stairs, that he ripped a hole in the space-time continuum, thus creating the phenomena of deja vu.

Chuck Norris plays laser tag with real lasers.

Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris and Jesus are not the same person. Chuck Norris would never let some candy-ass Romans kill him.

Chuck Norris did not shoot the deputy or the sheriff, but he roundhouse kicked the crap out of both of them.

There are some things in the world money can't buy. For everything else, there's Chuck Norris.

When you pray to god, Chuck Norris listens, Then round house kicks you to the head for believeing in god and not Chuck Norris.

Santa Claus is trying to get on Chuck Norris' "nice" list.

When Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks in front of a mirror there is no reflection.

Chuck Norris has never harmed an innocent person. Although, his definition of "innocent" only includes himself and his mother.

In an attempt to follow in the steps of Dolly Parton, Chuck Norris attempted to open a theme park. Unfortunetly the idea was cast asunder when the name "Norriswood" was already used to name his penis.

When someone says,"I traded blows with Chuck Norris," what that really means is Chuck gave them a mean roundhouse to the face before making them suck his dick.

Chuck Norris invented video game violence for the sole reason of pissing off Democrats.

When Chuck Norris gets on an elevator, Chuck doesn't go up, the building goes down.

Chuck Norris doesn't apologize. He just stares at them till they realize it was indeed their own fucking fault for whatever happened and they apologize.

Chuck Norris' genes aren't DNA. They're barbed wire.

Princess Diana did not die in a car crash. She in fact saw Chuck Norris' penis and exploded in awe.

Pi is not infinite. It stops when Chuck Norris tells it to.

Jesus was sent to die for the sins of man when it became apparent that his older brother, Chuck Norris, was incapable of dying.

Chuck Norris has perfected faster-than-light travel. He won't give the patent to NASA until all of their employees grow beards.

And on the seventh day, god said "Let there be Chuck Norris." And all rejoiced. Except those that received the roundhouse kick shortly thereafter.

Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and forced him to say, "The name's Norris; Chuck Norris."

Surgeon Generals Warning: Do not use Chuck Norris when pregnant or nursing.

Chuck Norris' feet accounted for more damage in 2005 than both the war in Iraq and Hurricane Katrina.

Chuck Norris is like a Tsunami, if you can see him coming it's already too late.

There are 3 definite facts of life: death, taxes, and severe pain caused by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not flex at 100%, if he did, his muscle mass would become so dense it would create it's own gravitational field similar to that of a black hole... Killing all living things in the universe, except himself.

Death came for Chuck Norris in 1992, Chuck then roundhouse kicked Death in the face saying, "I decide when people die".

Chuck Norris can grate fresh parmesan cheese with his rust-red beard.

Urinals wait in line to be pissed on by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris walks with somewhat of a limp; this is not the result of a stunt injury, as certain media accounts have insinuated, but because of his cumbersome rhinoceros balls.

The reason The VietCong dug tunnels in Vietname was not to make suprise attacks on South Vietnamese or American soldiers, but to hide from Chuck Norris...

After the Grinch stole Christmas, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face and took it back. Then he roundhouse kicked every last orphan in whoville and kept it for himself.

You better not shout, you better not cry. You better not pout I'm telling you why: Because Chuck Norris will roundhouse-kick your sorry sobbing ass if you do.

Each individual hair in Chuck Norrises beard spends 2 hours a week using a Bowflex.

Chuck Norris' money shot can actually be counted in $10s and $20s.

For Chuck Norris, pimping is easy.

Chuck Norris doesn't use a knife to shave. He uses his beard to sharpen knives.

Chuck Norris doesnt believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.

According to the Laws of Physics, it is impossible for Chuck Norris to build more muscle. Upon realizing this, Chuck Norris swiftly roundhouse kicked every law of physics known to man, as well as those known only by Chuck Norris. He now has the ability to will His muscles to any level of strength He desires at any given time.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but 300 pounds of heavy artillery a day still won't keep Chuck Norris away.

Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris rarely has to leave his house. If he wants to go somewhere, he just tells it to "get the fuck over here".

Chuck Norris once overdrew his checking account, the result was the great depression.

Donald Trump once fired Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris responded by saying, "While I disagree with your firing of me, I will defend to the death your right to do it." Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked Donald Trump through a wall.

Chuck Norris can kill two birds with one stone. Birds meaning 20 men, and stone meaning his fist.

If Chuck Norris could be any type of tree, he would be titanium

Lance Armstrong really didn't lose a testicle to cancer, he is actually the only living survivor to a Chuck Norris delivered round house kick to the balls

Contrary to popular belief, James Cameron wanted to go with Chuck Norris as the original "The Terminator". However, after close inspection, Cameron realized this would be more of a documentary then the sci-fi blockbuster he was hoping for, and went with some bitch from Austria that Chuck Norris worked as bodyguard for.

Rather than signing autographs with a pen and paper, Chuck Norris takes a hot iron and brands his name into people.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with Laffy Taffy.

Chuck Norris has a special ability to turn fruits into vegetables, all he has to do is send a fatal roundhouse kick to break the gay person's neck.

Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.

Chuck Norris has the chromosome "B" solely for his beard.

Shortly after Bruce Lee's death, Chuck Norris worked as a Chemist, during which time he discovered the element of surprise and later, painium. He won a nobel prize for his work which he put next to his imaginary Oscar on his trophy shelf

Chuck Norris will never die because God is afraid he will take over heaven.

in the 19th century, whales were hunted down to extinction by Chuck Norris when he discovered they made an excellent addition to a protein shake.

Chuck Norris is the only known person to roll a perfect game of yahtzee. He did so by roundhouse kicking the dice until they understood what was good for them.

Chuck Norris can have as much homosexual sex as he wants and still be considered straight. This ability was given to him by the Pope, out of gratitude for the movie "Missing in Action".

Chuck Norris craps pure muscle.

Some people wear their heart on their sleeve. Chuck Norris wears someone else's.

The clock on Chuck Norris' VCR sets itself for fear of retaliation.

Chuck Norris is the one who pooped in the pool. As children scream and try to climb out, Chuck laughs and pushes them back in.

Chuck Norris does not hire prostitutes; prostitutes hire Chuck Norris.

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The Ten Commandments of Chuck Norris

1. Thou shall not shave. 2. Thou shall only use the total gym. 3. Thou shall watch Walker: Texas Ranger religiously. 4. Thou shall pray to Chuck Norris before praying to God. 5. Thou shall only kill with the roundhouse kick.

When God insisted there be 5 more commandments Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him and proclaimed "Chuck Norris only needs 5 commandments!"

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When Chuck Norris gets a headache, he doesn't reach for Advil, he reaches for a syringe and horse tranquilizers.

Ever heard of someone killing two birds with one stone? Chuck Norris kills entire species.

Scientists couldn't believe how stupid they had been after Chuck Norris revealed that Stonehenge was nothing more than his weight room.

Gravity is scared to exert its force near Chuck Norris. Chuck counteracts gravities cowardice by wearing cement filled cowboy boots. Some credit his amazing roundhouse power to this but when asked Chuck said, "I really just don't like floating around."

If Chuck Norris does not wake up with a big pair of titties in hand then thirty necks must be broken for it to be a good day anyway.

Chuck Norris would shave his beard, but there is no metal on earth strong enough to cut through it.

Chuck Norris once had sex with a nun. Nine months later, God was born.

Michael Jackson was originally signed to write the theme for Walker Texas Ranger. Norris did not aprove of this, and promptly took out his anger with one of his world-renowned rondhouse kicks. The blow did not make contact with Jackson's face, but came mere inches away. Jackson was scared shitless, and turned as white as a ghost. The massive force of wind created by the kick maimed Jackson's nose into an unnatural shape.

"Roundhouse Kick" is the currency Chuck Norris use when he needs to buy shit.

Chuck Norris only has sex with AIDS-infected hookers to, "Put the sport back into it."

Chuck Norris is the only person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in swimming without ever getting wet.

Chuck Norris will only have sex with women who agree to do it on his bed of nails. Needless to say, it is the best sex they will ever have.

Chuck Norris once had sexual intercourse with a female Blue Whale just to prove he was the most masculine beast on the planet.

Chuck Norris keeps a horde of trained bees under his beard to let loose at a moment's notice.

There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks

On the sixth day God created Chuck Norris. On the seventh day God did not rest, he was unconscience after recieving a round house kick to the face for not making Chuck on day one.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with broken glass.

Chuck Norris embodies the only matter known to have escaped a black hole.

Chuck Norris went to college on an affirmative action scholarship. Nobody objected.

Chuck Norris made it to the finals of the World's Softest Punch Contest, and lost. The man who should have won is dead.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris only kills one person on Christmas, and tears out their insides to give as presents.

Chuck Norris' penis has a social security number.

Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. John Wilkes Booth was assassinated by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once slaughtered a girl scout because she was out of Thin Mints.

Chuck Norris killed for your sins.

Chuck Norris didn't vote for Pedro. He deported him. And by deported Chuck means he roundhouse kicked him back to Mexico.

On the seventh day, God rested, and Chuck Norris said, "Get your lazy ass back to work." So he did

Chuck Norris was once in a car accident leaving him paralyzed from the waist down. While in a wheelchair,he roundhouse kicked Christopher Reeves in the face and said, "Who's super now?"

Chuck Norris doesn't trust anything he can't kill. Because of this, Chuck Norris trusts everyone but ghosts, but hes working on a way to roundhouse kick them to death too.

Chuck Norris once shaved his beard. When he did, the last unicorn died.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

Chuck Norris turned down the lead in American Beauty because he refused to masturbate the two times it called for in the script. He wouldn't take the role unless he got to masturbate throughtout the entire film.

The Ghostbusters call Chuck Norris.

Duck when Chuck Norris is about to shake your hand because he's really about to roundhouse kick your face.

Chuck Norris won 3 Grammy Awards for the sound of his foot making contact with someone's face.

The Black Plague once tried to afflict Chuck Norris. It has not been seen since.

Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.

Chuck Norris decided to can and sell the smell of his farts which are irresistible to women. The product is known as Axe bodyspray.

Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is, but he won't tell because he doesn't want anyone to find the body.

Chuck Norris is the only human in recorded history to ever actually walk on the ocean floor.

The Tandem Electrostatic Accelerator requires four hours of preparation to "smash atoms" because that is the time it takes Chuck Norris to fly to Knoxville, drive to Oak Ridge, take off his blazer, and smash the shit out of some atoms.

Chuck Norris won't allow his children to be taught evolution at school. This wouldn't be a big deal, but he fathered 70% of people in the southern United States.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

It is commonly known that Eve was created from the rib of Adam, but few know that Chuck Norris was actually created using Adam's genitals.

Chuck Norris supports abortion. It is still unknown whether it is his attraction to killing babies or his desire to control his child support payments that fuels his support.

There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the balls not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: "Just try it, bitches, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday."

Chuck Norris' DNA is 90 percent denim.

When Meatloaf said he'd do anything for love, but he won't do that, he was talking about looking Chuck Norris directly in the eye.

Under Armour is made from Chuck Norris' dead skin cells.

God once created something so great even he couldn't destroy it. That something is Chuck Norris.

Originally, God created both Adam and Steve, but God's young apprentice, Chuck Norris, did not approve of Steve's incredibly gay behavior, so he roundhouse kicked Steve until the "S", "t", and penis were knocked out of him.

Chuck Norris once secretly fought Bruce Lee. It was an epic battle. The battle ended when Chuck and Bruce both punched each other in the heart at the same time. They both died. Bruce Lee was later buried. Chuck Norris was resurrected by God because he was mistaken for Jesus

Chuck Norris doesn't ask permission, he grants it.

The hairs on Chuck Norris' chest have been scientifically shown to be as dense as steel cables. He has to pick bones out of them daily: the human kind.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Chuck Norris laughs heartily whenever he watches Cialis commercials because his erections last four days.

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the hardest substance ever discovered is Chuck Norris' erection.

Chuck Norris has never hit another man in a fight. Chuck Norris has also never lost a fight. He simply points to his foot and the opponent lays down.

Had Chuck Norris played "Neo" in "The Matrix" rather than Keanu Reeves, there would have been no need for special effects.

Santa Clause once told Chuck Norris to sit in his lap. There were no survivors.

There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris's body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple.

Chuck Norris shot Bon Jovi in the heart for giving love a bad name.

Chuck Norris can breathe underwater. He has never chosen to do so however, because he refuses to get his jeans wet.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table of the Elements because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of surprise.

Congress is in the process of passing a bill to clone Chuck Norris for military purposes. They want his genes, particularly because Chuck Norris' eyes offer nightvision and 3x zoom capabilities.

Chuck Norris once killed a judge and was sent to Alcatraz just to prove he could escape.

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? Only Chuck Norris can answer that, but if you ask him, he WILL kill you.

Before bed, Chuck Norris uses a bottle of scotch as mouthwash. Not just any scotch, mind you, but special scotch made from the tears of the widows of his victims.

Chuck Norris only brakes for people dressed like Chuck Norris.

Recently Chuck Norris donated $5.7 million to the Tsunami Relief Fund. It's about time he started taking responsibility for his actions.

Chuck Norris' orgasms produce an electromagnetic pulse in a 2 mile radius.

In prep school Chuck Norris was a master debater, because nothing rebuts a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. His spelling checks itself.

There is a line of fine print in the declaration of independence that reads, "All men are created equal with one exception. Chuck Norris is equal to 350,000 men." Thomas Jefferson had no choice but to add this line when Chuck Norris single-handedly and accidentally won the American Revolution while doing light calisthenics. He then ripped out Jefferson's throat for not writing it earlier, and replaced all the signatures on the declaration with his own.

Chuck Norris can create a four-sided triangle.

It took NASA's top engineers 17 years to develop tools durable and precise enough to trim Chuck Norris' beard.

Chuck Norris is, therefore I am.

Chuck Norris has been known to keep his solid waste in shoe boxes, and send them to Goodwill. By the time of delivery, they will have turned into bars of gold.

In Chuck Norris' house, there is no carpet, only vast amounts of accumulated broken glass in a variety of colors.

Chuck Norris doesn't call 911, 911 calls Chuck Norris

As a young child Chuck Norris and his school yard friends enjoyed an occasional game of "Hungry Hungry Hippo", with real Hippopotamuses.

If you make Chuck Norris Norris stroke his beard in confusion, you're finished, because Norris doesn't understand confusion, only pain.

There are two things on Earth visible from space; The Great Wall of China, and Chuck Norris's testicles.

The role of Alf, from the hit 80's TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris' penis.

Chuck Norris is the only man to never use an eraser.

Chuck Norris remembers the Alamo, and he isn't happy about it.

Chuck Norris does not eat cereal. Cereal offers itself to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Chuck Norris spent 10 years in a tiger cage in Vietnam. Not because he was caught by the Vietcong. But because he wanted to spend some time alone with his thoughts.

Mount Kilimanjaro can only be climbed when Chuck Norris has an erect penis. This is because Chuck's erect penis IS Mount Kilimanjaro.

Everyone knows Santa doesn't exist. What everyone doesn't know is that Santa did at one point exist until the day he put Chuck Norris on the naughty list.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Germans suffered 4 millon casualties during World War 2. 80% were roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris, the rest ate nails to avoid the suffering.

Chuck Norris coined the term "the birds and the bees" when he made every bird and every bee fornicate each other by a simple yawn.

Chuck Norris fishes by cutting himself and then jumping into shark-infested waters.

All Mortal Kombat fatalities are based off of Chuck Norris moves.

Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris can kill you in seven different languages.

Chuck Norris will rip his usb drive out of the port without clicking 'Safely Remove Hardware.' He says that such precautions aren't manly.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to masturbate. His penis jerks itself off.

Chuck Norris was the fifth Beatle, the tenth member of the Fellowship of the Ring, and wrote the Bible. Of course we don't know this because Chuck Norris, being the humble soul he is, roundhouse kicked all knowledge of this out of existence.

Chuck Norris wins the Oscar for Best Actor every year. However, he refuses to accept the trophy until Oscar grows a beard.

Chuck Norris knows Steven Segall personally. He is made up of the corn in Chuck Norris' fecal matter.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris can eat spaghetti with a knife.

Fear was a word created to describe Chuck Norris.

Upon conclusion and extensive analysis of a fifteen year study, scientists and mathmaticians agree Chuck Norris' scrotum is a geometrically perfect sphere.

When you look back and see only one set of footprints, that's when Chuck Norris was carrying you.

Ever wonder where "num-chucks" got their name? That is the level of fighting power Chuck Norris has while on Novicaine.

The only woman to be able to stand after having sex with Chuck Norris is the Statue of Liberty.

There is a level on the Richter Scale called a "Chuck Norris." You have never heard his name used because an earthquake of that magnitude would destroy the world.

When Meatloaf said he'd do anything for love, but he won't do that, he was talking about looking Chuck Norris directly in the eye.

Who would win in a fight, Chuck Norris or God? Trick question, Norris is God

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

For every man you don't kill, Chuck Norris kills seven.

Chuck Norris likes his women like he likes his coffee: ground up and in the freezer.

If you look at Chuck Norris's bare back you can see a Surgeon General's Warning against the use of Chuck Norris.

All techno music is based on the different beats of Chuck Norris's heart.

Chuck Norris is currently suing the band Earth, Wind and Fire, claiming that he is all three combined.

It is true that Chuck Norris loves puppies. But only with pepper and salt.

Moose shoot themselves when they hear Chuck Norris is going hunting. On an unrelated note, Chuck hunts with his hands.

Chuck Norris is so cool that the Pope has a Jesus fish on his car with the word "Norris" inside.

Chuck Norris invented Al Gore.

Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris, not the Florida Supreme Court, made the final judgement on Terri Schiavo's fate. It was a roundhouse kick to the feeding tube.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray as eye drops.

Chuck Norris doesn't need wings to fly. Gravity is afraid of him.

Chuck Norris has no teeth. Instead food is digested in his beard and absorbed into his neck.

While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.

In forty years time, people will no longer die, not because of advanced medical science, but rather because when death came looking for Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris came looking for death...

Chuck Norris can impregnate women by simply raising his right eyebrow. He can impregnate men by raising his left eyebrow, but he doesn't bother because he doesn't want a world like that crap Arnold Swartzenegger film "Junior".

Chuck Norris' sperm is so fertile, when he bangs a chick in America, another chick in China gets pregnant.

Chuck Norris will only hire pre-op transvestites as personal security. He believes, correctly, that no one is more alert, edgy, and dangerous as a person who is about to have their testicles surgically removed.

The iceberg that sunk the Titanic was actually a kidney stone that Chuck Norris passed.

Chuck Norris does not have fillings in his teeth; they are simply remnants of bullets caught with his tongue.

The character Superman is loosely based on Chuck Norris. Loosely only because Superman has a weakness.

Chuck Norris spelled backwards is "I'm going to roundhouse kick you in your throat".

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Chuck Norris sat through Gigli.

In Chuck's homeland, a roundhouse kick to the face is equivalent to a handshake.

The infomercial for the Total Gym was originally intended to be an episode of MTV cribs.

Chuck Norris is the exception to the "If it bleeds, we can kill it" rule.

Chuck Norris could have starred in Footloose with both legs amputated.

Chuck Norris' shadow looked at him funny one day so he roundhoused his shadow in the face. He no longer has a shadow.

If you think Chuck Norris can't rape you anytime, anywhere then you are in for a rude awakening tomorrow.

Muhammed Ali used to say, "I am the greatest." Then he met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't 'take a shit.' Chuck Norris 'disposes of his enemy's remnants.'

A man once laughed at Chuck Norris' beard. He promptly roundhouse kicked him, and then continously stomped his body into the ground. Hence, the Grand Canyon.

Booze gains alcohol content after passing through Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

Chuck Norris created the word "boner" after he had sex for the first time. All that was left of his partner was a skeleton.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat birthday cake unless the candles are still burning.

Chuck Norris once got pulled over and was accused of having too much blood in his alcohol stream.

Had the priests in "The Exorcist" just said, "The power of Chuck Norris compels you" instead of "The power of Christ compels you," the movie would only have been about 30 seconds long.

Bulletproof vests are completely filled with fibers of Chuck Norris' beard

A Tsunami is water fleeing from Chuck Norris.

The Tower of Pisa leans because Chuck Norris kicked it once while on vacation.

After staring at the American flag long enough, a 3D image of Chuck Norris pops up.

The pinball wizard is deaf, dumb and blind because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of him.

The Total Gym is built entirely of Chuck Norris' pubic hair. If woven correctly, it rivals the strength of titanium.

Chuck Norris' penis can beat you in twister.

Deeming him too awesome for the world of mortal men or heaven, God attempted to destroy Chuck Norris by swallowing him. However Chuck Norris beat the shit out of God's insides, causing God to vomit him out. This led to the popular euphamism for vomiting, "Up-Chuck"

Prostate cancer gets regularly checked for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has steel wool instead of body hair, which is why he does the dishes naked.

Chuck Norris does not use toilet paper to wipe his ass. He simply uses the woman he slept with the night before.

Chuck Norris is the reigning cock push-up champion of the world.

Chuck Norris has to use the "withdrawal" method of birth control, not to avoid pregnancy, but because his load is so powerful it always kills the woman.

The "S" on Superman's suit was woven out of chest hair taken from Chuck Norris as he lay unconscious from an intense Total Gym workout session. This is the true source of Superman's powers.

If ever you have a day when you feel that the gods are against you, just be glad that Chuck Norris isn't.

Chuck Norris never shaves his beard. Simply looking in the mirror causes hair growth to cease, and excess hair to flee in terror.

Chuck Norris can eat silica gel.

Saddam Hussein was toppled from power after inviting Chuck Norris to move to Iraq, proving that Saddam was trying to acquire a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Chuck Norris paints his house red by throwing new born babies against the walls.

The movie Rambo: First Blood was inspired by Chuck Norris' experience as a boy scout.

Chuck Norris was able to outlast an Everlasting Gobstopper.

Chuck Norris shaves every night before going to bed. He has a 5 o'clock shadow before he falls asleep, and a full beard when he wakes up. If anyone sees him in this beardless state, something bad happens. We don't know what though, because no one has ever lived to tell.

Instead of coal on Christmas, Chuck Norris gives kids a roundhouse kick to the face, then he takes the cookies and milk becuase their is no such thing as santa, their is simply... Chuck Norris.

If you can think of a swear word, chances are Chuck Norris invented it while having relations with your mother.

Chuck Norris converted to Islam. Upon his death he was sent to heaven and presented with 72 virgins. With a shake of his head and a stroke of his beard he said, "Been there, Done that."

Chuck Norris knows that George W. Bush is lying when he says he is doing everything he can to hunt down Osama bin Laden because Bush has not yet consulted Norris nor the A-team.

In space, Chuck Norris can hear you scream.

Chuck Norris can smell carbon monoxide.

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a seagull after the seagull stole his ice cream. Chuck Norris then grabbed the seagull, bit him in half and spit the seagull's remains into a sleeping baby's face.

Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles.

A masked man once stabbed Chuck Norris in the alley behind a children's hospital. The knife bled to death.

Chuck Norris has in fact been convicted of over 30 felony offenses ranging from manslaughter to aggravated sodomy, but the Texas, California and Arizona Departments of Correction have granted him amnesty due to the belief that the gross amount of anal rape he would perpetrate on the prisoners would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Chuck Norris viciously attacks Bill Gates anytime he needs lunch money.

Chuck Norris once went in for a physical, and during the examination, the doctor weighed him and found that he weighed a whopping 650 pounds. Shocked at how heavy Norris was, even with how much muscle he has, the doctor asked why he weighed so much. Having been met with this inquiry many times in his life Norris simply pointed at his crotch and said, “My penis.”

If you take a picture of Chuck Norris, from that day on, that camera will only develop that same picture of Chuck Norris, no matter what is in the lense's sight.

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

Chuck Norris created pi in order to keep humans confused. While scientists and mathematicians attempt to terminate pi, Chuck Norris plots to terminate them.

Chuck Norris is both the cause of, and cure for cancer.

Chuck Norris owns 3 pit bulls and 2 dobermans, yet if you go near his property the only sign you see is "Beware of Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris knows a wrong way to eat a Reeses.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

Some scientists still refer to supernovas as "The Chuck Norris Effect". These scientists also think that comets are Chuck's sperm.

Chuck Norris was actually accepted to Harvard. Harvard, however, did not meet the minimum standards for admission to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so potent that his sperm must be encased in plutonium.

When Chuck Norris was a kid he and his friends loved to play army. As they grew up nobody wanted to play any more so Chuck started the Viet Nam War.

Chuck Norris gives Taco Bell diarrhea.

Christopher Reeve actually was Superman until he met Chuck Norris and challenged him to a staring contest.

The shadow from Chuck Norris' mustache can accurately predict the length of winter to within 4 seconds. The groundhog has been rendered obsolete.

Chuck Norris was conceived when God round-house kicked Satan in the testicles.

Pain is only temporary. Unless Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you in the face... that just fucking hurts.

When Chuck Norris chews bubblegum, the bubblegum screams.

Chuck Norris is the only 100% effective form of contraceptive.

It was actually a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris that put Terry Schiavo in a persistent vegetative state.

It took Jesus three hours and help from Peter to carry his cross up Calvary Hill. Chuck Norris made it in 00:07:26.

The "Fantastic Four" is a nick name for Chuck Norris and his package.

Chuck Norris can't have pets. He had a dog once, but when it refused to do anything but lie on its back and quiver, Chuck had no choice but to eat it alive.

There really are two ways to kill a werewolf: a silver bullet and Chuck Norris. Only, Chuck Norris is a werewolf and can outrun a silver bullet.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

The world was in fact the product of Big Bang. That was when Chuck Norris banged God's Wife.

Chuck Norris's only currency is justice, and it's accepted worldwide.

Chuck Norris can bench-press a Buick. He doesn't like to, though, because it wrecks the transmission. For some reason he has no hesitation in doing curls with a Harley-Davidson.

Snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them because their eyesight is terrible and they think you are Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris tells time by staring directly into the sun.

Chuck Norris can satisfy a woman just by looking at her. If he smiles, she can't walk right for a week.

Chuck Norris says that he "blacked out". When he awoke, women were naked, necks were broken, and a goat was wearing a t-shirt that read "Team Delta Force".

Despite his doctor's and family's strong objection, Chuck Norris began drinking gasoline each morning. Much to everyone's surprise, he gets 94 miles per gallon.

Chuck's testicles have their own beard

The Leaning Tower of Pisa is a 1:3 scale model of Chuck Norris' flacid penis.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a 100 mile road race. Despite being restricted to motion via somersaults and The Macarena, Chuck won the race by 4 days.

Chuck Norris only uses emergency exits because when you are Chuck Norris, everything is an emergency.

Chuck Norris in the year 2042 defeated France in World War III by roundhouse kicking the entire French army back in time, their ancestors have ever since been unable to fight properly, in fear of what Chuck Norris might do the next time.

Everytime Chuck Norris smiles, another Etheopian child dies of starvation.

When Chuck Norris was a child his mother once called him Chuckles. She then spent the rest of her life confined to a wheelchair.

If it weren't for Chuck Norris, you could mess with Texas whenever you wanted to.

Chuck Norris hates internet piracy but he also loves his fans. If he ever catches you downloading episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger, his conflicting opinions mean that he has to shake your hand and beat you senseless at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't get crabs, he gets lobsters.

Chuck Norris put Terry Shiavo in her coma for giving him a funny look. Unfortunately, his solution didn't stop the funny looks.

The Virgin Mary saw Chuck Norris in her grilled cheese sandwich.

Instead of warming up before a workout, Chuck Norris hammers himself to a crucifix and then pulls the stakes out with his teeth.

God will only remain in business as long as he continues paying protection money to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris takes a baseball bat into the can with him in case he craps out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.

Chuck Norris fought a cloud once because it rained on him.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum, he chews rocks.

Dinosaurs aren't really extinct; they're just hiding from Chuck Norris.

The total number of deaths from World War II is 52,199,262. Chuck Norris is 2 kills from breaking that record.

Chuck Norris hates it when people have lisps, so he roundhouses kicks them in the throat, silencing them for all eternity.

Even Chuck Norris' shadow is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented time zones in order to more efficiently schedule world wide ass kickings.

Some people called the Vietnam War a tragedy. Chuck Norris called it foreplay.

While riding the elevator, Chuck Norris never pushes the button, the elevator better just know what floor Chuck Norris needs to be on.

Chuck Norris doesn't need Viagra, he just thinks of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' first job was working at a national park. He saved suicidal lemmings by throwing his penis over the cliff, effectively filling the valley below.

Jesus Saves. Chuck Norris Kills.

Chuck Norris once killed a rock.

As a child, Chuck Norris molested Catholic preists. In retaliation, they have been molesting young boys ever since.

Last November, Chuck Norris showed up to vote. Upon learning that his name was not on the ballot, Chuck became enraged. An elderly woman standing nearby informed Chuck that he could not vote for someone who was not on the ballot. Chuck replied "Well, it seems you just cast your vote for a roundhouse kick." Chuck roundhoused the woman, killing her instantly. No one tells Chuck how to vote.

While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.

Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris wears black not because it allows him to blend into the shadows but because he is still in mourning over the cancellation of the Smurfs. Chuck misses Papa Smurf's wisdom and guidance.

Chuck Norris mother tried to abort him during her pregnacy. He responded by giving birth to himself and roundhouse kicking the doctor to death.

When Chuck Norris masturbates, his penis sounds like a cougar.

Chuck Norris once saved a building from a burning baby.

Federal and state laws permit only one man to drive the wrong way down one way streets, and that man is Chuck Norris.

God created a rock so big that even He could not lift. Chuck Norris picked up said rock and called God a pussy.

The cape that Superman wears is woven from the pubic hair of Chuck Norris, which is why no matter what happens to Superman, the cape remains in perfect condition.

While viewing "Brokeback Mountain," Chuck Norris was very pissed off at how cowboys were portrayed incorrectly. Not because the cowboys were gay, the cowboys didn't kill at least 10 people.

Many religious scholars wonder why the Antichrist has not come yet. It's because Chuck Norris refuses to die.

Chuck Norris likes his women like he likes his whiskey. Twelve years old and all mixed up with coke.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Every woman who has ever kissed Chuck Norris has lost all her teeth from the sheer impact of his beard.

When Chuck Norris changes channels entire TV stations shut down and start up.

Chuck Norris did not have childhood heroes. He had competition.

Chuck Norris urinates once a year, this is known as monsoon season.

Chuck Norris' dandruff has been a large part of our society since the 1970's...We know it as cocaine.

Chuck Norris could have been a lumberjack but he was too manly.