Living Will (Presented as a public service)
Topic: Lawyers
LIVING WILL



I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound

mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial

means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of

peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their

lives depended on it.



If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for

a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When

such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children

and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call

it a day.



Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a

special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that

these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention

instead to the health, education and future of the millions of

Americans who aren't in a permanent coma. Under no circumstances shall

any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many

fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the

presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone

else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less

if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which

they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I

certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf.

They should mind their own business, too.



If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a

political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make

his or her existence a living hell.



Sign It: __________________________________
Date: _____________

Submitted By Paul Bleich

RATS !!!!!!!
Topic: Lawyers
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

Final Decree
Topic: Lawyers
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

Subversive Solicitations
Topic: Lawyers
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Creative Legality
Topic: Lawyers
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Legal Terrorism
Topic: Lawyers
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Conventions. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour!!!

A Lawyer Named Strange
Topic: Lawyers
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."

"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.

"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

Heavenly Litigation
Topic: Lawyers
A young attorney drops dead of a massive heart attack. He is instantly transported off to the threshold of the Pearly Gates, where he is met by the venerable Saint Peter.

Immediately, the attorney objects:
"I am far too young to die! Surely, Saint Peter, you have made an egregious error!"

"Well," says Saint Peter, "just how old are you?"

"I am only 36 years old," the attorney replies, "and moreover, every single member of my family has lived to be well over eighty."

Saint Peter, pondering this and wishing to be fair, opens The Great Book of Life to look up the young attorney's specifics. After some diligent searching and careful examination, Saint Peter closes the big book, and levels his gaze at the young attorney.

"I believe I have found the confusion," he says. "Based on the hours you have billed, we were certain you were actually 85."

Disorder In the Court
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: Lawyers
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while
these
were all
taking place?
_____________________________________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
_____________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
______________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which!
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
______________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_______________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Would you repeat that question, please?
________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
_________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
A: I resent that question.
_________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
__________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I
sent to
your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him.
___________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
___________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.