Murder At The Safeway
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Marriage
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.

Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"

Bullfrogs And Blowjobs
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Marriage

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blowjobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true..no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

 

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone !!!'

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

Underwear Dust
Topic: Marriage
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your Butt!'

His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Baby Powder in my Underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not Baby powder, It's 'Miracle Grow!'

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Dusty Underwear
Topic: Marriage

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to
his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in
Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your
butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she
simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of
underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he
said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he
shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why
did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker...
"It's not talcum powder......
It's 'Miracle Grow'."

Marital Bliss-ters!!
Topic: Marriage
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
---------------------------------------------
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how
impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how incredible I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself
what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
---------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
---------------------------------------------

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat
to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
---------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife,
"Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you,
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
---------------------------------------------
Father to son after exam:
"Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

---------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend:
One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies:
"Thanks for the early warning."
---------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband:
"What do you like most in me,
my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of humor."

Submitted By Ben Choate

Till Death Do Us Part
Topic: Marriage
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our
marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

Submitted By Ben Choate

Dream On, Dude!!!
Topic: Marriage
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen. "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. I will take you upstairs and I will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my guess."

Submitted By Mindy Thackrah

Vaseline Research
Topic: Marriage
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

" If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback.

"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

 

The Good Husband
Topic: Marriage
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I
have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!!

Wrong Approach
Topic: Marriage
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"