Yankees VS. Rebels
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Regional
One morning three Alabama good old boys and three Yankees were in a ticket line
at the Birmingham train station heading to Atlanta for a big football game.

The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners
bought just one ticket among them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.

When the six travelers boarded the train, the three Yankees sat down, but the three
Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect
tickets.

He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a
crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that
they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Atlanta train station, they bought a single
ticket for the return trip while, to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even
one ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom
and the three Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked
quietly ov er to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war!

The Crabby Wife
Topic: Regional
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad

news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning

we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked,

"What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12

twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned! Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's

the great news?"

 

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Submitted By Paul Bleich

EVERYTHINGS BIG In Texas!!!
Topic: Regional
There was this cowboy from Texas who decided to do a little traveling. When he got as far north as Kansas City, he was feeling pretty horny, so he decided to stay a while.

That evening, he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill repute, so the cabbie took him to one that he knew well.

After choosing a suitable-looking gal, they went upstairs. On the way, the girl commented on how tall the man was. The cowboy said everything from Texas was big. After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look, she said, "I can see what you mean about everything from Texas being big."

"Yes ma'am," said the cowboy. "I mean everything."

After they had finished their business and were getting dressed, the cowboy asked, "By the way, ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"

 

Boudreaux The Salesman
Topic: Regional
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard,
got called up to active duty.

Boudreaux's first assignment was to a military induction center,
and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising
new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to
which they were entitled.

Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began
noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more
expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because
it would cost these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the
higher coverage, compared to what the government was already
providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would not ask
Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would
sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe
Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said,
"If you got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself
kilt, da governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000.
If you take out da supplemental inshoranse, which cost
you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da governmen' gotta
pay you beneficiary $200,000."

"NOW," Boudreaux concluded,"which bunch you tink dey
gonna send ta Iraq furst?"

Australian Virgin
Topic: Regional
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.

After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!

An American Tourist In London
Topic: Regional
An American Tourist visiting London was making his way down a street,
hitting every pub along the way.
And there were pubs aplenty down this particular thoroughfare.

Obliterated from all the pints of Ale he had consumed,
the Tourist reaches the end of this street,
and begins to make his way down another,
when He suddenly felt the uncontrolable urge to urinate,
for he could hardly contain himself.

But, the Tourist could not find a bathroom anywhere on this street.
There was nothing but huge, stately homes all along this street.

So the Tourist just pulls it out and proceeds to urinate on the sidewalk.

A policeman walks up and taps the Tourist on the back,
and asks him just what he thinks he's doing.

The Tourist tells the policeman that he had to relieve himself,
but he could not find a single bathroom on this street.

The policeman tells the tourist to come with him.
He takes the Tourist through an elaborate gate,
into a beautiful, lush and very well maintained garden.

"Pee here all you want," the policeman says.

"Is this the wonderful British hospitality I'm always hearing about?"
asks the Tourist.

"No," replies the policeman,
"THIS is the French Embassy!"

Submitted By Steve Looker

Nagging, Cajun Style
Topic: Regional
Due to hurricane Katrina, the floodwaters came up about 6 feet into
most of the homes.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house.
Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to
the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the
house.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux,
"Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den
back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dat my husband; I tole dat 'coonass he
gonna cut da grass today come hell or high water!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

French Terror Alert (Code Yellow ???)
Topic: Regional
AP and UPI reported today that in the light of the recent terror attacks in
London, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."

There are only two higher levels in France , which are "Surrender" and "Collaborate."

The raise was hindered by the recent fire which destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively disabling its military.

Submitted By Paul Bleich

The Billings Bears
Topic: Regional
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits
down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a
beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve
beer to bears in bars in Billings."


The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be
served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,"We
don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in
Billings."


The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me
a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end
of the bar."


The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,
eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again
demands a beer.



The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are
on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
{.........You're gonna love this.}........



The bartender says, "You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate

Immigration Ineptitude
Topic: Regional
Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through Immigration.

The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."

Pedro said, " I am ready."

The officer said "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green."

Pedro thought for a few minutes and said "Mister Officer, I am

ready."



The Officer said "Go ahead."

Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Pedro.'"

Needless to say, Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you.

Have a nice day!

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts