Holy One!!!
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Religion
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Four Nuns Climb The Stairway To Heaven
Mood:  flirty
Topic: Religion
Four nuns die and go to Heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate, and announces "Welcome Sisters, before I can allow you into Heaven, each of you has to answer a couple of questions about your life."

The first nun steps forward, and St. Peter asks her, "Sister, have you ever seen a penis?"

She responds "Yes, I have a baby nephew, and when I was changing his diaper, I saw his little penis."

St. Peter says, "Very good, sister. Now, have you ever touched a penis?"

She responds, 'Yes, when I was changing his diaper, he rolled over and his penis touched my thumb"

St. Peter reponds, "Go wash your thumb in the holy water, and enter into heaven."

Then the second nun steps forward, and St. Peter asks her, "Sister, have you ever seen a penis?"

She responds "Yes, like the first sister, I have a baby nephew, and when I was changing his diaper, I saw his little penis."

St. Peter says, "Very good, sister. Now, have you ever touched a penis?"

She responds, 'Yes, when I was changing his diaper, he rolled over and his penis touched the palm of my hand."

St. Peter reponds, "Go wash your palm in the holy water, and enter into heaven."

The last two nuns are beating the shit out of each other, really going at it. St. Peter blurts out "Sisters, sisters, what seems to be the problem??"

The nuns stop fighting, and one blurts out "I'll be damned if I'm gonna gargle in that holy water after she washes her ass in it!!"

Submitted By Zoso1166 0f Ogallala, Nebraska

 

An Amish Sexual Encounter
Topic: Religion

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

 The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold. '

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'.

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid. '

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes..?! Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Rubbing It In
Topic: Religion
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

 

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

 

Conversions
Topic: Religion
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor Grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from Eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison Steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, And suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and Much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy Water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night Arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the Neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to Scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully Sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you Is a catfish.

Submitted By Paul Bleich

A Declaration
Topic: Religion
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Jesus Is My co-Pilot
Topic: Religion
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."

The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."

 

A Southern Preacher's Son
Topic: Religion
An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four Bar objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he
picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

Retirement Dinner
Topic: Religion
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
after 25 years serving the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was
late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I
heard here.

I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person that entered my confessional told me, he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and
loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave
his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE FOR A MEETING.

The Last Temptation Of John
Topic: Religion
There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. After this, a belly dancer entered the room and started slinking around the first priest...

"Ting-a-ling"

The chief priest said "Oh, Patrick, I'm disappointed. You've failed. Go and have a shower."

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy before the chief priest heard...

"Ting a ling"

"Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower."

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of... but no bell rang!

"John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph"

"Ting-a-ling"