Rent
Topic: Office Humor
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing and before he left he told her that he did not have any cash with him but he would have his secretary write a cheque and
Mail it to her calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT".

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price so he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and Enclose the following note:

Dear Madam:

 

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place I was under the impression that it had never been occupied, there was plenty of heat and it
Was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home. However I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large.

 

Upon receipt of the note the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

 

Dear Sir:

 

First I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady

NEW VOCABULARY WORDS FOR 2007
Topic: Office Humor
NEW VOCABULARY WORDS FOR 2007

1. BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2.SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3.ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4.SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6.PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8.SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10.SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15.404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17.OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18.WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

The Long And The Short Of It
Topic: Office Humor
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What do you find sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

Winking Problem
Topic: Office Humor
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second though, however, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me."

The applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and immediately stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "That's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Sure-Fire Signs There's Trouble On The Job
Topic: Office Humor
1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo.

2) The Security guard makes a complete inventory of your work area.

3) Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

4) You've got a "It's for you loser" sound when you receive email.

5) Your new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend.

6) The Human Resources Dept requests an update of your arrest record.

7) Your boss asks if you still have a copy of your five-year contract.

8) You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive at work.

9) Your parking space is moved next to the Dumpster.

10) Your secretary says things like, "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

11) The receptionist asks "Who?" when anyone calls on you.