A Dog's Life
Topic: Sex
Three male Labrador Retrievers -- one
Chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting
In the waiting room at the vet's when
They struck up a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I
Piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains,
The cat, the kids. But the final straw was
Last night when I pissed in the middle of my
Owner's' bed."

The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from
The chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm
Me down."

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab
And asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig
Under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig
Just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I
Dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too". The dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab
And asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
Shower and was bending down to dry her toes,
And I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black Lab said.... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Too Soon
Topic: Sex
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect", she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits.

An hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but his wife isn't home yet. He calls her on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.

"What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Why Condoms Come in Packs of 3, 6 & 12
Topic: Sex

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

Submitted By Paul Bleich

The Quickie???
Topic: Sex

 Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot gal in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." Call me when it's over.

She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Submitted By Mindy Thackrah

 

Safe Sex
Topic: Sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

The Apartment
Topic: Sex
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night
with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning,he told
her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have
his scretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the
payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted
what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and
enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I
rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely
too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there
is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

A Hard Luck Life
Topic: Sex

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says, "yeah, you think that is bad, whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."

So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough?! Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, smelly room, and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

 

Erectile Function
Topic: Sex
A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the
pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the
store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could
help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for
me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could
give me for it.

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.

" When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute
best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and
$3,000 a month plus living expenses.

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

One Day At The Brokeback Mountain Saloon
Topic: Sex
A Cowboy walks into the Saloon, has a seat at the bar, where he gingerly sits down and orders five shots of whisky at once.

The barkeep looks on in fascination as the Cowboy proceeds to drink all five shots, one after the other, in immediate succession.

The barkeep asks,"Why are you drinking so many shots of whisky?"

"I'm celebrating my first blow job," the Cowboy replies.

"That's great!" the barkeep says, "Would you like another shot or two of whisky?"

"Naw!" the Cowboy replies, "Five shots should be MORE than enough whisky to wash away the taste!"

Super Sexy!!!
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Sex
After saving another day for the world, Superman was tired. While soaring by and viewing the buildings to see if everything was alright, he saw Wonder Woman on top of a building butt-naked with her legs open. "Wow!!!", thought Superman, "I'm Superman I can go and finish on her as quick as the speed of light." so he soars down, doesn't even think or say anything. he starts to bone her and just like that, he's gone. Wonder Woman opened her eyes and said, " Invisible Man, What just happened?" and the Invisible Man replies, " I have no idea...but my ass hurts."

Submitted By Frankie Lagunas