Football Explained By A Blonde
Mood:  amorous
Topic: Blondes
Football F I N A L L Y makes cents.....

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience. 'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied,
'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over the 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a
coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept
screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm
like...Hellooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

The Blonde And The Ventriloquist
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

A Blonde's Year in Review
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!!
 

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

Blonde Postal Service
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

 

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

Quarterback
Topic: Blondes
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Short Sighted Blonde
Topic: Blondes
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment

and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

 

The husband said, "Who was that?"

 

The wife said, "I don't know some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Submitted By Paul Bleich

The Blonde Leading The Blonde
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes
There were two blondes, who went deep into the woods, searching for a
Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry
wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down
the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Have A Very Blonde Christmas!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blond says, "Heaven help us. Has political correctness already come to this?

Well, just Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."


Submitted By Paul Bleich

Blonde Trucking
Topic: Blondes
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."


The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,

"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"


"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."


Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.


The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"


She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

Multiple Blonde Jokes
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: WARNING: Blondes Should Not Read These, More Than One Joke At A Time May Cause A Mental Overdose!!!!
Topic: Blondes

Q: How can you tell if a fax came from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: Why do blondes have "TGIF" on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.