GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:11 PM EDT

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"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

trashed by the garbage humor man at 11:34 PM EST

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Mood:  happy

Having no toilet paper, one girl took off her panties and used them. Her friend, however, was wearing her Victoria Secret panties and did not want to leave them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it. She proceeded to wipe with that, and then they both walked home.

The next day one of the women's husbands, concerned that his normally-sweet wife was still in bed hung over, phoned the other husband. He stated matter-of-factly, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

The other husband answered, "Hmmmm, I know, .....mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!' "

Submitted By Melinda Thackrah

trashed by the garbage humor man at 2:34 PM EST

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Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take
your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

trashed by the garbage humor man at 1:59 PM EST

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Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is
H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 9:20 PM EST

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The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion - your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

trashed by the garbage humor man at 8:48 PM EDT

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The drunk replies, "Tits"

trashed by the garbage humor man at 9:24 PM EDT

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"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive; I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it
grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say goodbye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation is.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten
smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? .......An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed.

Here it comes ... Scroll down!! >>

"Dammit Jim, Crisco's shortening!!!!"

 Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 10:36 PM EDT

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BEDTIME POEMS --For BIG Kids

MARY HAD a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

"What have you got there?"

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

"Pies, you dumb ass"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

THERE WAS A little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

SUBMITTED BY Mindy Thackrah

trashed by the garbage humor man at 8:49 PM EDT

Updated: Tuesday, July 4, 2006 8:53 PM EDT

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