Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road???
Topic: Ignorance / Stupidity
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been
told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING: I envision a world where all chickens will be free
to
cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good
enough
for us.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going
to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to
cross the road. It's plain and simple as that.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were
quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your
checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you
mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The
chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him
down.

THE BIBLE: And God come down from the heavens, and said unto the
chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there
was much rejoicing.

COL. SANDERS: I missed one?

 

Imagine That!!!
Topic: Ignorance / Stupidity
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this.

You're a Siamese Twin.

Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.

You're not.

He has a date coming over tonight.

You only have one ass.

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

Biker Bust
Topic: Ignorance / Stupidity
LANCE ARMSTRONG BUSTED!!!!!
Well after all the witch hunts over the years by the French trying to prove he was using illegal substances.....they finally have him. Leading French newspaper stated today that they found THREE banned substances in his hotel room. They were deodorant, toothpaste, and soap........

Jackass Move
Topic: Ignorance / Stupidity
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back and bit the sh*t out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Signs Of Growing Up
Topic: Ignorance / Stupidity


1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge

4. 6:00 a.m. is what time you get up, not what time you go to
bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator

6. You watch the Weather Channel

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook-up" and
"break-up".

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".

10. You're the one calling the police because those #&^%@ kids
next door won't turn down their stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt

16. You don't take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3:00 a.m. would severely
upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff"

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again!"

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of your computer is for
real work

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out that your friend is pregnant, you
congratulate them, instead of asking, Oh God! What
happened?

26. You read this entire list desperately looking for one sign
that DOESN'T apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old
butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know that
they'll enjoy it and do the same thing

American Karate Chop
Topic: Ignorance / Stupidity
There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.''

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!''

For The Love Of A Ford
Topic: Ignorance / Stupidity
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.

"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

Today's Survival Tip
Topic: Ignorance / Stupidity
Today's survival tip....

Next time you are too drunk to drive,
Walk to the nearest pizza shop,
Place an order,
And when they go to deliver it to your home,
Catch a ride with them.

Submitted By Melinda Thackrah

Kickin' Ass
Topic: Ignorance / Stupidity
Two TV News Anchors and NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, along
with one Marine assigned to protect them were hiking through the Iraqi desert one day when they were captured by Insurgents.

They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish so, before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan so I'd like one last bowl of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song 'O Canada' one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag
musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the rest of the Insurgents with gunfire. In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings and Roberts, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three assholes call me the aggressor ???!!!"

Submitted By Mindy Thackrah

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
Topic: Ignorance / Stupidity

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

***********************************************

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

*************************************************

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

***************************************************


Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

****************************************************

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

****************************************************

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

****************************************************

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

****************************************************

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

***************************************************

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

*****************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky &West Virginia)

***************************************************

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

****************************************************

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

**************************************************

We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?

*****************************************************

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

*****************************************************

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

****************************************************

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

***************************************************

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

__________________________________________________

Submitted By Paul Bleich