A Tap On The Shoulder
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Misunderstandings

A passenger in a hired limousine leaned over to ask the driver for the time and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

 The driver shrieked, lost control of the vehicle, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the limousine.

Then the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no. I'm the one who is sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a limo. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

Steping Into The Role
Topic: Misunderstandings
When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

Mother!
Topic: Misunderstandings
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Ever Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

 

Lifesavers
Topic: Misunderstandings
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say:

"Red.........................cherry,"

"Yellow.....................lemon,"

"Green......................lime,"

"Orange.....................orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers.

After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," the teacher said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

Horseshit
Topic: Misunderstandings
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and
down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny
asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because
when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy
and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy
Mom."

Extreme Stimulation
Topic: Misunderstandings
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" the teacher asked the class.

 

Little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!" "I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go to tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

 

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

 

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

 

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

 

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

 

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you.

 

One, you have a dirty mind,

Two, you didn't read your homework, and

Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

 

Indefinitely
Topic: Misunderstandings
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher was giving a
vocabulary lesson.

The word of the day was
"indefinitely."

She asked if any of the children could
use it in a sentence.

Johnny's hand shot straight up, but
she chose another student:
- "Indefinitely. The clouds
stretched indefinitely across the sky." -

"Very good, Veronica."

"How about another, Timmy?" -

"I waited on line for the bus indefinitely" -

"Another excellent example. Thank you."

Johnny was really going crazy and finally the teacher
decided to call on him, he seemed
so much to want to contribute. -

"By the way my balls
banged against her buttocks,
I knew I was in definitely."

 

New Rooster
Topic: Misunderstandings
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies,
"Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are
washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse
and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot
on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
age, skill, and treachery will always
overcome youth and arrogance!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Playing Fetch
Mood:  smelly
Topic: Misunderstandings
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back. Just give Fido my trusty police dog one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.

Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!

 

Hot Dog!!!
Topic: Misunderstandings

Two winos, Billy and Rick, woke up in an alley with a DIRE need for a drink, but found they only had 80 cents between the two of them.

"Say, I got an idea!" said Rick.

He used the money to buy a hotdog from a street vendor, then pulled Billy in a corner bar and ordered a round of bourbon. After downing them, seeing the bartender heading their way with the bill, Rick quickly inserted the hot dog in Billy's fly and began to suck on one end of it.

"Get the fuck outta here, you goddamn fags!" shouted the bartender.

This worked equally as well at the next bar, the next, and all day-when they finally crawled back into the alley, dead drunk.

 "Ya see what ya can do with a hotdog?!" slurred Rick cheerfully.

 "What hotdog?" laughed Billy. "We lost the hot dog after the third bar!"