Thanksgiving Divorce
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: Holidays
Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Jacksonville immediately , and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting div orced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother

back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay." he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

the Day The Turkey Died
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Holidays
In light of the Thanksgiving holiday ...

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe that I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued...."May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Dirty Things That Can Only Be Said On Thanksgiving
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Holidays
Dirty things that can only be said on Thanksgiving...

01. Talk about a huge breast

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist

03. It's Cool Whip time

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst

05. That's one terrific spread

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat !
07. Are you ready for seconds yet

08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some

10. Don't play with your meat

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Trick Or Treat
Topic: Holidays

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!""OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!

 

 

Santa's Bad Day
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Holidays
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces a ll over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

A Very Important Message From Santa Claus
Topic: Holidays
Message from Santa


Dear Friends.

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this
year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies
for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,
but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with
the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids
a-milking, and the 9 piperspiping have been arrested for doing weird
things to the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves
and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird
shit.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my
reindeer are in heat, elves have joined the gay liberation and some
people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th
of
January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you
the things you want.

This year I suggest you get your asses down to K-Mart before everything
is gone.

Submitted By Paul Bleich

A Single Unfortunate Event
Topic: Holidays
Three unfortunate men are awaiting the opportunity to enter the pearly gates of Heaven on Christmas Eve.
Saint Peter confronts them, saying,
"Each of you are more than welcome to enter the pearly gates,
but only after you show me something in your possession that will remind me of Christmas.
The three men start digging through their pockets, and the first man pulls out a cigarette lighter,
and fires it up, saying,
"This should remind you of Christmas candles."
Saint Peter agrees and allows the first man entrance into Heaven.
The second man pulls out a keyring loaded with keys and starts jangling them, saying,
"This should remind you of Christmas Bells."
Once again, Saint Peter agrees, and allows the second man entrance into Heaven.
Now, the third man is having a hell of a time finding anything that even comes close
to representing any sort of Christmas icon.
Finally, in desperation, he pulls a pair of women's panties from his pocket,
and shows them to Saint Peter.
Saint Peter asks the third man what these ladies panties have to do with Christmas.
The third man responds, "They're Carol's!!!"

As told By Jack Harris this morning
on AM Tampa Bay on 970 WFLA,
Tampa Bays Number 1 morning radio show.

Halloween Hijinks
Topic: Holidays
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Submitted By Ray Dean

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old For Trick or Treat
Topic: Holidays
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old For Trick or Treat:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber treats only

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a
mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or....." and can't remember
the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1 . You keep having to go home to pee.

Submitted By Sheryl Barras

Ghostbuster
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: Holidays
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of

tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely
upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided

the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled

his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to

remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up
the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on

him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently

trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the

soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at

the sheets,

a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who

had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the

heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the

shit out of a ghost"

Happy Halloween !