Why Men Wear Earrings
Topic: Women Vs. Men
Why Men Wear Earrings!

A man is at work one day when he notices

that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker

to be a normally conservative fellow,

and is curious about his sudden change in

'fashion sense.'

 

The man walks up to him and says,

"I didn't know you were into earrings."

 

"Don't make such a big deal,

it's only an earring,"

he replies sheepishly.

 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes,

but then his curiosity prods him to say,

"So, how long have you been wearing one?"

 

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

I always wondered how this trend got started.

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

 

 

The Woman And the Frog
Topic: Women Vs. Men
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grantyou three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failedto mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

Women Vs. KFC
Topic: Women Vs. Men
What does a woman and KFC have in common?

After you are done eating the breasts, legs, and thighs, all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.

The Woman And The Genie
Topic: Women Vs. Men

A woman was walking along a deserted beach one day when she saw an old bottle.

She picked it up and while she was rubbing the sand off, smoke arose from it and a genie appeared.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable! These countries have been at war for thousands of years! I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years, I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family. Doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie sighed and said, "Let me see the fucking map."

Submitted By Mindy Thackrah

Penis Envy
Topic: Women Vs. Men
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school passed a 4th grade girl's house. One day he is carrying a football and stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike.

Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

 

Lonely Brain Cell
Topic: Women Vs. Men
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

"We're down here "

Rules Of Men
Topic: Women Vs. Men

Mens' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the mens' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" From the female side.

 

 

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something

or tell us how you want it done,

not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,

or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

 

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Show this to as many men as you can -

to give them a laugh.

Show this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh

Mathematics Of Everyday Life
Topic: Women Vs. Men
Basic gender calculus explained:

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
- Smart man + smart woman = romance
- Smart man + dumb woman = affair
- Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
- Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
- Smart boss + smart employee = profit
- Smart boss + dumb employee = production
- Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
- Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
- To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
- Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
- There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

A True Woman
Mood:  happy
Topic: Women Vs. Men
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful,
and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in
particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare,
riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well
built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt...........


....... One button at a time.

.........No one moves.

.......He removes his shirt.

.........Muscles ripple across his chest.

.........She gasps...

.......He whispers;

..............................

..............................

..............................


" Here!

Iron this -

and then get me a beer! "

Onion Enhancement
Mood:  happy
Topic: Women Vs. Men
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and Firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom , how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!