Last Will And Testament
Topic: Computers

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to
her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would
be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull
the plug.

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

Male Or Female, You Decide!!!
Topic: Computers
This illustrates how dependent we've become on our computers.

Are you male or female?

 

To see the answer, look down

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Not here, DUMMY!

 

Computers Are Like Penises
Topic: Computers

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but hard to get any real work done.

If you don't apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses- yours.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful, it can get you in big trouble.

Some people have it, some don't

People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off- and they think those who don't have it want it.

People who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy but think it's not worth the fuss made about it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.

Some people would play with it all day if they didn't have to work. Of course, some people do anyways!

C Drive
Topic: Computers
I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant.

I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I tried to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere, in all the folders on My Computer, the Add/Uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them.

I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.

So I decided to go to the computer store to see if I could buy one.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock.

She kinda scowled at me and asked if I was trying to get smart with her. Then she said, rather rudely I thought, that she could not help me and walked away.

Huh must not have had any in stock

In the second store, the salesguy kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him 'Yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one install ed'.

He started laughing and said something about me killing him. 'You're killing me' like that and walked away.

Hmmm must be out here too.

The guy in the third store ,laughed and asked me if I'd fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck but I had fallen off the wagon a few times. He said that explains it and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under his breath and walked away, wonder why he only noticed one!

Anyway, I figured they must not carry them in stores, maybe have to order from a catalogue or something.

So that's where I am now.

So if any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it.

Girlfriend 7.0
Topic: Computers

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING)

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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Computers- Male or Female
Topic: Computers
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.


"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling... this gets better!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have
to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Submitted By Mindy Thackrah

A Great Writer
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Computers
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Serious Email Virus !!!!!
Topic: Computers
I am sending this to you
because you sent me
an email virus.

It is a very severe virus.

It didn't eat my hard drive,

but it did eat my only MOUSE.



Look what it did to my mouse.

Latest Computer Viruses
Topic: Computers
The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, then leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 300 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

Lesson In Spanish
Topic: Computers
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for
instance,
is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male
and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer''
should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the
feminine
gender (''la computer''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible

later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling... this gets better!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(''el computer''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE
the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.

Submitted By Ray Dean