Gynecologist's Assistant
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida where he sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he approaches the clerk to learn more. Can you give me some more details? he asks the clerk.

 

The clerk pulls up the file and says, The job entails preparing the female patients for their gynecological examinations. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully clean their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000; but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here.

Oh, is that where the job is? inquires the applicant.

No sir, replies the clerk, That's where the end of the line is right now!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

CDC Notification -- important
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
CDC Notification -- important

 

 

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta has issued a medical alert about

a highly, contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted

orally, by hand, and even electronically.

 

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you

receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any

means whatsoever--DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private

life completely.

 

If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the

premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase

one or both of the antidotes-- Work Isolation Neutralizer Extract (WINE)

and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote

repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. For

those not able to take the above antidotes, chocolate and/or ice cream work

very well at fighting this virus as well.

 

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you

do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is

controlling your life.

 

 Submitted By Paul Bleich

Put Your Affairs In Order
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself
and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had
been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when
things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go
so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.
Let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little
less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the
woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the
two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they
were drinking to her impending end.

'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were
aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned
over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said
you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends
you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I know, but I don't want any of
those witches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

The Benefactor
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS BEING SHOWN AROUND THE HOSPITAL WHEN DURING HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTERBATING FURIOUSLY.

"OH MY GOD SCREAMED THE WOMAN", "THATS DISGRACEFUL! ! WHY IS
HE DOING THAT"???

THE DOCTOR WHO WAS LEADING THE TOUR CALMLY EXPLAINED,

"I'M VERY SORRY THAT YOU WERE EXPOSED TO THAT, BUT THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE HIS TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH SEMEN, AND IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT AT LEAST 5 TIMES A DAY, HE'LL BE IN EXTREME PAIN AND HIS TESTICLES COULD EASILY RUPTURE."

"OH WELL, IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.

IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM, A MALE PATIENT WAS LYING IN BED AND IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT A BEAUTIFUL NURSE WAS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON HIM.

AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED "OH MY GOD" "HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED"?

AGAIN THE DOCTOR SPOKE VERY CALMLY, "SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN"

Submitted By Paul Bleich

 

Twice A Day
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, Doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.

"That's not so much", says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.

"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do", sighs the man. "Twice a day."

Vices Of Death
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Should children witness this
Topic: Doctors/ Medical

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you!

 

Submitted By Paul Bleich

 

Good Dentist Appointment??
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist takes out a needle to give the man a shot of Novocain.

"No way, no needles, I can't stand needles."

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man again objects. "No gas, please the mask on my face is suffocating to me."

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No," said the patient "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth."

Submitted By Mindy Thackrah

Five Surgeons
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

The fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C., shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Submitted By Paul Bleich

 

When I'm 84
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned
about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to
be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you g amble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

 

Submitted By Paul Bleich