Don't You Just Love Lawyers
Topic: Lawyers

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sur e if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

Big City Lawyer
Topic: Lawyers
 A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than this hicktown deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Living Will
Topic: Lawyers
Ever since the Terry Schiavo debacle there has been
an increase of living wills from 10,000 a year to 40,000. This is my
form for the New Living Will. I think this is the best living will
form that I've seen. It's easy to understand, and it makes perfect
sense as a well. It will help cut the paper work.

I, ________________________________, being of sound
mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial
means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of
pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their
lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running
up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least
one of the following:

______a Bloody Mary
______a Margarita
______a Bud Light
______a glass of white wine
______a trip to Las Vegas
______a Vodka and Tonic
______a steak
______a lobster or crab legs
______the remote control
______chocolate
______sex
______a tee time

... it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my
appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the
tubes and call it a day.

___________________________________
Your signature and date

Submitted By Joseph Sclafani

The Circles Of Life
Topic: Lawyers

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope

and appeared in court on Friday in front of the Judge.

The Judge said, "You seem like nice young men,

and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.

I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils

of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.

I'll see you back in court on Monday."

On Monday, the two guys were back in court,

and the judge said to the first one,

"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this: O o

.and told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs

and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable!" said the Judge.

To the second guy the judge said,

"And you, how did you do?"

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles . o O .

.and said (pointing to the small circle),

"This is your asshole before prison....."

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

The Smartest Man In The World
Topic: Lawyers
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Spank Deposits
Topic: Lawyers
A wino was sitting at a bar, quietly sobbing into his beer. A lawyer came up and asked, "What's the problem, pal?"
The wino said, "I just found out that sperm banks pay $20 for a donation."

"So," said the lawyer, "why are you crying?"

"I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!" the wino wailed.

Arguing The Law
Topic: Lawyers
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a cop. He thinks that
he's smarter than the cop because he's sure that he has a better
education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
cop's expense.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow
down' and 'stop,' I'll give you my license and registration and you give can
me the ticket...if not you let me go and no ticket."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP
OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

Resentment
Topic: Lawyers
A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry . He stomped across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, "Asshole attorneys".
The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying "I want you to know I highly resent that remark".

"Why, are you an attorney?"

"No, I'm an asshole."
*********************************************
Joke As Told By Jack Harris This Past Friday Morning On AM Tampa Bay, Broadcast On 970 WFLA AM In Tampa, Florida. He did leave out the Asshole part!

Delinquent Donations
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Lawyers
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another with learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

Screwed
Mood:  suave
Topic: Lawyers
A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."

He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"