Cannibal's Restaurant
Topic: Politics

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one?" They're full of shit!

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

Earned Ticket Credit
Topic: Politics
If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax refunds, maybe this will help explain it:

50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out, therefore a refund was then due.

The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.

Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets. Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that had purchased the most expensive tickets.

This, according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair. A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:

People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.

People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair."

People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.

People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right thing to do."

People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets. They need the most help. Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.

Now do you understand?

If not, contact Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Sen. Teddy Kennedy, Sen. John Kerry or Sen. Hillary Clinton for assistance.

WORLD WAR III IS COMING
Topic: Politics

Are You A Democrat, Republican, or a Southerner???
Topic: Politics
Are you a Democrat, Republican, or a Southerner???

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

................................................................


Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.



.........................................................


Republican's Answer:

BANG!


.............................................................

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....

(Sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?”

Son: “Can I shoot the next one?”

Wife: “You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!”

The Promised Land
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Politics

5,000 years ago Moses said, "Pick up your shovel, pack your ass, mount your camel and I shall lead you to the Promised Land."

200-plus years ago, George Washington said, "Get off your ass, use your shovel, clear the land, grow plants for camels and it will be the promised land."

Last week the Congress of the United States said "Si, Amigos, throw away your shovel, sit on your ass, light your camels. We're giving you the promised land."

Submitted By Paul Bleich

 

Old Cow
Topic: Politics
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in
Upstate NY one evening when an old cow walked in front of the car. The
driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The old cow was hit and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to
lobbyists.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car, he had
lipstick all over his face and holding a half empty bottle of expensive
wine in one hand and an expensive Cuban cigar in the other.
He was smiling happily from cheek to cheek.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife
gave me the wine and their beautiful twin daughters made mad
passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just
killed the old cow......... things kinda got confused after that"

Checking the Oil
Topic: Politics

A lot of folks can't understand

how we came to have

an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Alaska

~~~

California

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

TEXAS

~~~

UTAH

and

Wyoming

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in

Washington DC

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

New Lexus Radio
Topic: Politics
The a/c has not worked very well in my old
car for quite some time. So, I just got a new Lexus RX400h,
and returned to the dealer the next day, to complain that I
couldn't figure out how the radio worked.


The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

Watch this he said ... Nelson! The radio replied, Ricky or Willie?

Willie! he continued....and On The Road Again came from the

speakers


I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, Beethoven! I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I
said, Beatles! I'd get one of their awesome songs.


A few days later, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed
my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. A##HOLES!
I yelled.....


The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda
and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore
on drums and Bill Clinton on sax....................

Submitted By Sheryl Barras

Revolution In Hell ???
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Politics
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

Immediate Pullout Necessary
Topic: Politics
Isn't this ironic?

If you consider that, there has been an average of 160,000 troops In
Theater during the last 22 months, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per
100,000. The rate in DC is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you are more
likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the
strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of WASHINGTON, DC!

Submitted By Paul Bleich