You Might Be A Redneck If ...........
Topic: Rednecks

 1. Your directions to your home begin with "when you leave the pavement!"

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3 Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart Discount City.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Submitted By Paul Bleich

 

Ticket Please
Topic: Rednecks

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket while the three southerners bought just one.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please.

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison. When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.

The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees ever won the war.

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

Thirty Times
Topic: Rednecks
 On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only goat was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to sexually satisfy her husband and three sons now that the goat was dead. In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.

When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the goat, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead, and the goat, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the goat to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead goat in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, especially with his goat gone, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health, along with your goat." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the goat?"

 

Ghost Story
Topic: Rednecks

As Halloween approaches, we here at www.GarbageHumor.com  would like to share one of our favourite ghost stories with you, so here goes nothing!

***********************************************

A professor at Clemson University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

 

About 90 students raise their hands.

 

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

 

About 40 students raise their hands.

 

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

 

About 15 students raise their hand.

 

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

 

3 students raise their hands.

 

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

 

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

 

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

 

Bubba replied, "Shoot! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Diesel Fitter
Topic: Rednecks
BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN A ALABAMA CLOTHING FACTORY AND BOTH
WERE LAID OFF SO THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.

WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID "PANTY STITCHER..... I SEW ELASTIC
INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES".... THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY STITCHER" AND PUT
DOWN IT WAS LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $300 A WEEK
UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.

SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER", WHICH WAS
LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB.... SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK....

WHEN BILLY BOB FOUND OUT HE WAS FURIOUS! HE STORMED BACK INTO THE OFFICE TO
FIND OUT WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE THE MONEY......THE CLERK EXPLAINED,
PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED, AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABOR"

 

"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB. "I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES AND RUFUS
PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS, "DIESEL FITTER"....!!!!

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

Top Country And Western Songs
Topic: Rednecks

Top Country Western Songs

 

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out

All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number 1 In Your Life, Then Number 2 On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

 

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd

Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of

Prison By Now

6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Tooth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

 

And the Number One song is:

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But

I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Southern Legal Advice
Topic: Rednecks

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they’s  suin’ them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?”

"Yes, Bubba, it sure is true," responded the lawyer.

And now someone is suin’ them fast food restaurants fer makin’ them fat  an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot  coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

And that a football player sued that University when he gradiated and  still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer.

"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin’. What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer  all them ugly women I slept with?"

 Submitted By Paul Bleich

Logic
Topic: Rednecks
Two Southern farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.


"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house"

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?"

Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer.

Submitted By Mindy Thackrah

From The Redneck Book Of Manners
Topic: Rednecks
TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS


1. NEVER TAKE A BEER TO A JOB INTERVIEW.


2. ALWAYS IDENTIFY PEOPLE IN YOUR YARD BEFORE SHOOTING AT THEM.


3. IT'S CONSIDERED POOR TASTE TO TAKE A COOLER TO CHURCH.


4. IF YOU HAVE TO VACUUM THE BED, IT IS TIME TO CHANGE THE SHEETS.


5. EVEN IF YOU'RE CERTAIN THAT YOU ARE INCLUDED IN THE WILL, IT IS STILL
CONSIDERED TACKY TO DRIVE A U-HAUL TO THE FUNERAL HOME.


*** DINING OUT ***


1. IF DRINKING DIRECTLY FROM THE BOTTLE, ALWAYS HOLD IT WITH YOUR FINGERS
COVERING THE LABEL.


2. AVOID THROWING BONES AND FOOD SCRAPS ON THE FLOOR AS THE RESTAURANT MAY NOT HAVE DOGS.


*** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***


1. A CENTERPIECE FOR THE TABLE SHOULD NEVER BE ANYTHING PREPARED BY A
TAXIDERMIST.


2. DO NOT ALLOW THE DOG TO EAT AT THE TABLE NO MATTER HOW GOOD HIS MANNERS ARE.


*** PERSONAL HYGIENE ***


1. WHILE EARS NEED TO BE CLEANED REGULARLY, THIS IS A JOB THAT SHOULD BE DONE IN PRIVATE USING ONE'S OWN TRUCK KEYS.


2. PROPER USE OF TOILETRIES CAN FORESTALL BATHING FOR SEVERAL DAYS. HOWEVER, IF YOU LIVE ALONE; DEODORANT IS A WASTE OF GOOD MONEY.


3. DIRT AND GREASE UNDER THE FINGERNAILS IS A SOCIAL NO-NO, AS THEY TEND TO
DETRACT FROM A WOMAN'S JEWELRY AND ALTER THE TASTE OF FINGER FOODS.


*** DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) ***


1. ALWAYS OFFER TO BAIT YOUR DATE'S HOOK, ESPECIALLY ON THE FIRST DATE.


2. BE AGGRESSIVE. LET HER KNOW YOU'RE INTERESTED: "I’VE BEEN WANTING TO GO OUT WITH YOU SINCE I READ THAT STUFF ON THE BATHROOM WALL TWO YEARS AGO."


3. ESTABLISH WITH HER PARENTS WHAT TIME SHE IS EXPECTED BACK. SOME WILL SAY 10:00 PM; OTHERS MIGHT SAY "MONDAY." IF THE LATTER IS THE ANSWER, IT IS THE MAN'S RESPONSIBILITY TO GET HER TO SCHOOL ON TIME.


4. ALWAYS HAVE A POSITIVE COMMENT ABOUT YOUR DATE'S APPEARANCE, SUCH AS, "YA SURE DON'T SWEAT MUCH FOR A FAT BROAD."


*** WEDDINGS ***


1. LIVESTOCK, USUALLY, IS A POOR CHOICE FOR A WEDDING GIFT.


2. KISSING THE BRIDE FOR MORE THAN 5 SECONDS MAY GET YOU SHOT.


3. FOR THE GROOM, AT LEAST RENT A TUX. A LEISURE SUIT WITH CUMMERBUND
AND A CLEAN BOWLING SHIRT CAN CREATE TOO SPORTY AN APPEARANCE.


4. THOUGH UNCOMFORTABLE, SAY "YES" TO SOCKS AND SHOES FOR THIS SPECIAL OCCASION.


5. IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE TO TELL THE GROOM HOW GOOD HIS WIFE IS IN THE SACK.


*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***


1. DIM YOUR HEADLIGHTS FOR APPROACHING VEHICLES; EVEN IF THE GUN IS LOADED, AND THE DEER IS IN SIGHT.


2. WHEN APPROACHING A FOUR-WAY STOP, THE VEHICLE WITH THE LARGEST TIRES
ALWAYS HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY.


3. NEVER TOW ANOTHER CAR USING PANTY HOSE AND DUCT TAPE.


4. WHEN SENDING YOUR WIFE DOWN THE ROAD WITH A GAS CAN, IT IS IMPOLITE TO ASK HER TO BRING BACK BEER.


5. NEVER RELIEVE YOURSELF FROM A MOVING VEHICLE, ESPECIALLY WHEN DRIVING.


6. DO NOT LAY RUBBER WHILE TRAVELING IN A FUNERAL PROCESSION.



*** TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER ***


1. ALL THE DNA IS THE SAME.


2. THERE ARE NO DENTAL RECORDS.

Fire Woody
Topic: Rednecks
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"


"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Who says rednecks aren't real bright!)

Submitted By Sheryl Barras