Golf Before Marriage
Topic: Golf Jokes
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the
doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as
possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best
ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before
heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his
round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes
and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to
the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition. He doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country
club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went
ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll
be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than
two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"

Golf Nut
Topic: Golf Jokes
Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his lady friend.

"I eat, sleep, think and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," John replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your left wrist straight on your follow-through."

Golf Robots
Topic: Golf Jokes

 A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie, "

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today"

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first green, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my 3 wood will do the job.

"The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 5 wood. A 3 wood is far too much club for this hole. "

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 5 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?

"The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he ! turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please." The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the
18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints. "

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black? "

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop.

 Submitted By Mindy Thakrah

Pile Driver
Topic: Golf Jokes
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE....................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!

And A One, And A Two
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Golf Jokes
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle.
When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him.

It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"

"Yes, I am," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got all the way up here in 2 strokes, didn't I?"

Little Known Facts From The World Of Golf
Mood:  suave
Topic: Golf Jokes
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.