Define Frequent
Topic: Geriatric Humor
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked.

'Well,' she said, responding very carefully, 'I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently.'

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked 'Is that one word or two?'

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Old Jokes
Topic: Geriatric Humor
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?""
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
-----------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
 ---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up or leaks.
---------------------------------------------- 
  First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
But it's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf

Bertha's Eulogy
Topic: Geriatric Humor
Bertha was dead.

The minister conducted her eulogy with heartfelt gusto.

'Bertha married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she married yet again and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband died.

Then alas, she finally died,' he intoned.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for Bertha. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her friend Jane, 'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

Jane replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

Submitted By Mindy Thackrah

Rye Bread For Seniors
Topic: Geriatric Humor
 Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me."

Stiff Neck
Topic: Geriatric Humor
A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down. "Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out and everybody can see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, Just watching the cars go by.... and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

 

 

The Truth Can Hurt
Topic: Geriatric Humor

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed.

Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long,
hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into
this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my
boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist. My arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg! My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me
just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about
myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in
a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your
eyesight."

He never heard the gunshot.

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Knock On Wood
Topic: Geriatric Humor

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
 She yells to the other sisters,
"Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back,
"I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses
"Was I going up the stairs or down?"
 The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea,
 listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
 "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
 She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

Burglary
Topic: Geriatric Humor

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.  "She got in the back seat by mistake."

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

Geriatric Generation Gap
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Geriatric Humor
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit
on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00

Bad Relations
Topic: Geriatric Humor
An elderly couple was sitting together, watching their favorite Saturday night TV program.

During one of those commercial breaks, the husband asked his wife:

"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next commercial break, replied:

"You know, I don't really know -- I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

Submitted By Paul Bleich