Blonde Guy
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: Blondes
A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING. "WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS. "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.

HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.

"YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

Blonde History Lesson
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

Submitted By Sheryl Barras

Paint It Blonde
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes

A blonde, wanting to earn some money,decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.


She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.


"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"


The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"


The man agreed and told her the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.


The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"


The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."


A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.


"You're finished already?" he asked.


"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."


Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50, gave it to her and said he'd call her whenever he had another job for her to do.


The blond thanked him and as she was walking back down the path, she called out "And by the way, I know everybody thinks blondes are stupid, but I thought you should know that it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Submitted By Mindy Thackrah

Blonde Antiperspirant
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,
explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any".

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the
container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant".

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the
container........
" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Blonde Nun
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes
Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says, "I must tell you all something, we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Praise the Lord", says a blonde nun at the back, "I am so tired of chardonnay."

Submitted By Sheryl Barras

True Blue Blonde
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes
True Story right from the Associated Press:
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour-until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Blonde Parting Gift
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

Blonde Pregnancy Test Results
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes
A husband comes home to find his blonde wife jumping for joy.
He asks, "what are you so happy about?"
"I just found out That after all our efforts, I have finally become
pregnant!"she says.
"Oh, that is so wonderful!" he replies.
Then his wife asks, "And you know what else?
We are going to have twins!!!"
Her husband thinks about this for a moment, and then asks,
"How is it you ALREADY know we are going to have twins,
when you have JUST found out that you are pregnant?"
"Simple," his beloved natural blonde wife replies,
"I purchased the twin pack pregnancy test at the pharmacy,
and they both indicated a positive result!"

As told By Tedd Webb this past week
on AM Tampa Bay on 970 WFLA,
Tampa Bays Number 1 morning radio show.

Blonde Psychic Abilities
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes
Judi, a true blonde, has been working as a secretary at a new firm for a week when her boss tells her "I'll tell you a little secret. I can read your mind!"
"Really?" says Judi.

"Yep," replies the boss, as he looks her deep into her eyes. "For instance, I know you've had a date with a man called Bob last Tuesday."

"WOW!" exclaims Judi, "Unbelievable! That's true!"

"And," continues the boss, "your mom's birthday is April 22".

"WOWEE!" says Judi, "I can't believe it! You really CAN read my mind!"

"Well actually", her boss says, "you've left your private diary in my room yesterday".

"Fantastic!" says Judi, "you even know THAT!"

Milk Baths
Mood:  happy
Topic: Blondes
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave
15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits, I can splash it in my eyes.

Submitted By Sheryl Barras