Texas Chili Cookoff
Topic: Rednecks
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention To the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at'the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck,
when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event; (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato, Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 - (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could
remove Dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili,..

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimiich maneuver They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick; Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless ebili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano, Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish,
or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge #3-I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
to bam out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT,..just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher, I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore!
need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's
too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chill Not
too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted,
passed out fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Submitted By Robert E. Broughton

Flat Tarr
Topic: Rednecks
There was this fellow from East Tennessee who had a flat tire.
He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.

He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

US Redneck Special Forces
Topic: Rednecks
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Louisiana, Georgia, Texas, and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1) The season opened today.
2) There is no limit.
3) They taste just like chicken.
4) They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5) They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

How To Say "I Love You" In 25 Languages
Topic: Rednecks
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass, Get In The Truck!!!

Submitted By Sheryl Barras

A Vision Of Ugliness
Topic: Rednecks
After living in the remote wilderness of Tennessee all his life,

an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city,

In one of the stores he picked up a mirror for the very first

time and looked into it. Not knowing what the mirror was,

he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his

wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father, so he hung the mirror in the
barn.

Every morning before leaving for the fields,
he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the
mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with."

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Redneck Engineering Vs. Blonde Ingenuity
Mood:  happy
Topic: Rednecks
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

Sumbitch!!!!
Topic: Rednecks
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody
was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

Submitted By Sheryl Barras

NASCAR Heaven
Topic: Rednecks
An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car was on display.
Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display."

Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet - the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the racing circuit. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter - Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?!?

"No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Jeff use it on weekends."

Black Box
Topic: Rednecks
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last
15 seconds before the crash They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.3 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh,Shit". Only in the states of Nebraska, Georgia, and Texas were different, where 89.3 percernt of the final words were:"Hold my beer and watch this!"

Redneck Braggards
Topic: Rednecks
Two rednecks are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged
to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town,
except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."