Discount Disposition
Topic: Geriatric Humor
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Walmart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughter will visit me twice a week."

Mud Bath
Topic: Geriatric Humor
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

Extreme Geriatric Stimulation
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Geriatric Humor
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

A little unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:

"Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos.

Actually we carry many different models. "
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk that Vvviiiibbbrrraaatttteeesss?"
The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."
The poor old lady replies,

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

Brief DNA
Topic: Geriatric Humor
An old man goes in for his annual physical, with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR"

Geriatric Optimism
Topic: Geriatric Humor
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "We purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "Why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting".

"What are you waiting for?", asked the cop.

The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."

Pilot Error
Topic: Geriatric Humor
A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam and
the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight, climb all over the aircraft doing my
pre-flight inspection, fly all day, etc."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies
his own airplane!

He went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive...
he's a pilot too!"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living?! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married?!! Why would a
102-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Perfumania
Topic: Geriatric Humor
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Social Security Administration
Topic: Geriatric Humor
After retiring, I went to the social security office
to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened
my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Sun City Center Carjacking
Topic: Geriatric Humor
This is a true story..

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car- jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

AH, SENIOR MOMENTS