The Most Functional Word In The English Language
Mood:  smelly
Topic: Naughty
Well, it's SHIT ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Just think about it:

You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for
your shit,
or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget
shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when
the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit,
the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times
you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.


When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything
else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't
give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do
give a shit
and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some
shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

Blowing Chunks
Topic: Naughty
A man goes to the bar one evening, and simply orders a glass of water.

The bartender says,"Say, weren't you in her just last night?"

The man replies, "Yes, indeed I was."

"And did you not have at least 10 mugs of beer???"

"That is so true," The man replies.

"So, you are in a bar, why is it that you are only ordering a glass water this evening?"

The man says, "After drinking all those beers last night, I got home and literally blew Chunks all night long into the late morning!"

"So, what did you think was going to happen?" Asks the bartender.

"But you don't understand," the man says, "Chunks is the name of my dog!!!!"

Submitted By Steve Looker

Blind Love???
Topic: Naughty

An extremely ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why?

Do you think they look alike?"

"No," he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

No Dirty Words
Topic: Naughty
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it! Believe me, here at www.GarbageHumor.com, we keep searching and searching for just one joke without a dirty word. Now, finally, we have found one. Here it is:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face.

Square Balls
Topic: Naughty
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because,
she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right)
an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.

The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked,
"What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied,
"Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye.

She just looked at the president and said,
"Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president
"I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered.
"But given the amount of money involved,
if you don't mind I would like to come back
at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer
as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles,
turning them this way and that,
checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.
Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.

"Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved,
you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer
was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Submitted By Melinda Thackrah

A Real Licker!!!
Topic: Naughty
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

Supersized Chinese Eggroll
Topic: Naughty
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.

Gay Baby
Topic: Naughty
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Origin Of Yodeling
Topic: Naughty
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Naughty


1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your youngest son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old
daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

9. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Submitted By Paul Bleich