Service
Topic: Misunderstandings

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service

City & County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing....

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

Nick The Dragon Slayer
Topic: Misunderstandings

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Submitted By Mindy Thackrah

Let Dogs Lie
Topic: Misunderstandings
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

Well Endowed Creatures Of Nature
Topic: Misunderstandings
A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his
deplorable infidelity.

Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the
mans penis off.

Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9 year old daughter. The
little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the
penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies
off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was
that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young
age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes
she says,
"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?!!!"

Submitted By Paul Bleich

Cleanup! Row 16, Seat C!!!
Topic: Misunderstandings
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach at Row 16, Seat C, said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Chauffeur Knows Best
Topic: Misunderstandings
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Doggy Style
Topic: Misunderstandings
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the

block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Submitted By Melinda Thackrah

Daddy Longlegs
Topic: Misunderstandings
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, that might be OK in California, BUT we're not having any of that crap in Texas"

The Tampa Approach
Topic: Misunderstandings
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The
pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our
final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us
today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying
to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and
take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the
huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take
her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all
night long."

Aghast and amused,everyone on the plane hears this and immediately
begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this
new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the
plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the
cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips
over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's
gotta take a shit first."

Fartilicious
Mood:  smelly
Topic: Misunderstandings
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This
is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They
all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her
eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit
and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard
the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father
looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and
said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A
couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This
time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the
woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She
let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle
blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

Submitted By Mindy Thackrah