For a Limited Time
Topic: Doctors/ Medical

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at
the pearly gates for admission to heaven.

St. Peter asked them to identify
themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said:
"I was a pediatric spine surgeon and
helped kids overcome their deformities."

St. Peter said,
"You can enter."

The second doctor said
"I was a psychiatrist. I helped people
rehabilitate themselves."

St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said,
"I was an HMO manager. I helped people get
cost-effective health care."

St. Peter said,
"You can come in too."

But as the HMO manager walked by,
St. Peter added,
"You can stay three days.
After that, you can go to hell"

Medical Mayhem
Topic: Doctors/ Medical

    Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.

They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."

Midget Testicles
Topic: Doctors/ Medical

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip,snip,snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it... What did you do?"

The Doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots"

Horny Pills
Topic: Doctors/ Medical

A woman could not get her husband to have sex with her so she went to a sex therapist and asked him to help her out. "Doctor," she said, "what can you give me to get my husband to have sex with me?"

"Try these," said the doctor, "they are called horny pills."

So the woman takes the pills and puts one in her husbands coffee the next day. that night they finally have sex. she like it so much that the next morning, she put two of the pills in his coffee. that day he came home for lunch and they had sex. the next day she just pours the whole bottle into his coffee...

About ten o'clock that morning the doctor gets a phone call, it's a little boy.

"What did you give my Mom the other day?" 

"Horny pills, why?", says the doctor.

"Well, mommy's dead, sister's crying, my butt hurts and daddy's outside going 'here kitty, kitty, kitty!'"

 

A Painful Situation
Topic: Doctors/ Medical

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking.. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.. Then at night I give the missus another screw......"

"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

The Knob
Topic: Doctors/ Medical

A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called the knob."

"What is the knob, doctor?", she asked.

"It is a procedure where we install a knob under the hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again."

"Oh, yes! That is what I would like to have", she replied excitedly. The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger.

As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and viola! Her face was beautiful again.

One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and saw very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called her doctor and reported the bags.

"You had better get right over and let me check this out!" the doctor replied.

After examining her, he said "the bags under your eyes are your breasts." To which she said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"

Mongolian VD
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.


The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it".



The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".



The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".



The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".



The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".



The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to
opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "Youno worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself ! You save money."

Have A Heart
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge
heart covered with flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking about my own
funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

Tips For The Flu Season
Now Playing: A Public Service Message Provided By www.GarbageHumor.com
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
Since flu season is just around the corner I thought that I would pass this on ...

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose

of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.


Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build
our immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,

take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.


Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them, keep a
bottle of antibacterial stuff around.


Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors and windows whenever possible.


Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.


Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it...

When you go for a shot,

what do they do first?

They Clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.

So .......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona... (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh.... (eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it ...


If you keep your alcohol levels up,

flu germs can't get you!


My grandmother always said,

"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!"

Submitted By Phyllis Lamb

Calcium Enriched
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.

The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a BONE about 6 to 8 inches long."