Mood:  flirty

The first nun steps forward, and St. Peter asks her, "Sister, have you ever seen a penis?"

She responds "Yes, I have a baby nephew, and when I was changing his diaper, I saw his little penis."

St. Peter says, "Very good, sister. Now, have you ever touched a penis?"

She responds, 'Yes, when I was changing his diaper, he rolled over and his penis touched my thumb"

St. Peter reponds, "Go wash your thumb in the holy water, and enter into heaven."

Then the second nun steps forward, and St. Peter asks her, "Sister, have you ever seen a penis?"

She responds "Yes, like the first sister, I have a baby nephew, and when I was changing his diaper, I saw his little penis."

St. Peter says, "Very good, sister. Now, have you ever touched a penis?"

She responds, 'Yes, when I was changing his diaper, he rolled over and his penis touched the palm of my hand."

St. Peter reponds, "Go wash your palm in the holy water, and enter into heaven."

The last two nuns are beating the shit out of each other, really going at it. St. Peter blurts out "Sisters, sisters, what seems to be the problem??"

The nuns stop fighting, and one blurts out "I'll be damned if I'm gonna gargle in that holy water after she washes her ass in it!!"

Submitted By Zoso1166 0f Ogallala, Nebraska

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:07 AM EST

Updated: Thursday, December 11, 2008 12:40 AM EST

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Mood:  mischievious

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

trashed by the garbage humor man at 2:00 PM EST

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Mood:  amorous

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience. 'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied,
'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over the 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a
coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept
screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm
like...Hellooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

trashed by the garbage humor man at 1:21 PM EST

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 1. Your directions to your home begin with "when you leave the pavement!"

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3 Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart Discount City.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 1:03 PM EST

Updated: Saturday, November 29, 2008 1:08 PM EST

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Mood:  accident prone

Boudreaux, out in his pasture in south Louisiana, takes a
lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it Doc? . . . I'm going on my
honeymoon next week and my finance, Bertha, is still a
virgin - in every vay.'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should
be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4
sided splint, and taped it all together . . . Quite an
impressive work of art and engineering.

Boudreaux mentions none of this to Bertha, marries her,
and they go on their honeymoon to Ville Platte.

That night in the motel room, Bertha slowly open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said, 'You're da first, nobody has EVER seen
deez.'

Boudreaux immediately drops his pants and replies,

'Look at dis, Bertha............still in DA CRATE!'

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:46 PM EST

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Mood:  incredulous

Interested, he approaches the clerk to learn more. Can you give me some more details? he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, The job entails preparing the female patients for their gynecological examinations. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully clean their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000; but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here.

Oh, is that where the job is? inquires the applicant.

No sir, replies the clerk, That's where the end of the line is right now!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:41 PM EST

Updated: Saturday, November 29, 2008 12:44 PM EST

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Mood:  cheeky

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Jacksonville immediately , and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting div orced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother

back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay." he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:12 PM EST

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His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Baby Powder in my Underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not Baby powder, It's 'Miracle Grow!'

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:03 PM EST

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Mood:  don't ask

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe that I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued...."May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:00 PM EST

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Mood:  mischievious

01. Talk about a huge breast

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist

03. It's Cool Whip time

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst

05. That's one terrific spread

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat !
07. Are you ready for seconds yet

08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some

10. Don't play with your meat

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 11:47 AM EST

Updated: Saturday, November 29, 2008 11:50 AM EST

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