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Garbage Humor Jokelog
Monday, July 16, 2012
A Heavenly Spell
Mood:  happy
Topic: Saint Peter
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.

"Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love".

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia".

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!


trashed by the garbage humor man at 7:19 PM EDT
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Going Out
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Cats
We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on,

covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the back garden.

We phoned the local Taxi Company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard

scooted back into the house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house

because she always tries to get at the parakeet.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know

that the house would be empty for the night.

So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.

"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.

I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.

Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.

But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her ass out into the back garden!

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.


trashed by the garbage humor man at 7:05 PM EDT
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Holy One!!!
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Religion
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


trashed by the garbage humor man at 6:38 PM EDT
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Sunday, May 3, 2009
Bullfrogs And Blowjobs
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Marriage

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blowjobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true..no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.


In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

 


The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone !!!'

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts


trashed by the garbage humor man at 7:08 AM EDT
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Thursday, December 11, 2008
Four Nuns Climb The Stairway To Heaven
Mood:  flirty
Topic: Religion
Four nuns die and go to Heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate, and announces "Welcome Sisters, before I can allow you into Heaven, each of you has to answer a couple of questions about your life."

The first nun steps forward, and St. Peter asks her, "Sister, have you ever seen a penis?"

She responds "Yes, I have a baby nephew, and when I was changing his diaper, I saw his little penis."

St. Peter says, "Very good, sister. Now, have you ever touched a penis?"

She responds, 'Yes, when I was changing his diaper, he rolled over and his penis touched my thumb"

St. Peter reponds, "Go wash your thumb in the holy water, and enter into heaven."

Then the second nun steps forward, and St. Peter asks her, "Sister, have you ever seen a penis?"

She responds "Yes, like the first sister, I have a baby nephew, and when I was changing his diaper, I saw his little penis."

St. Peter says, "Very good, sister. Now, have you ever touched a penis?"

She responds, 'Yes, when I was changing his diaper, he rolled over and his penis touched the palm of my hand."

St. Peter reponds, "Go wash your palm in the holy water, and enter into heaven."

The last two nuns are beating the shit out of each other, really going at it. St. Peter blurts out "Sisters, sisters, what seems to be the problem??"

The nuns stop fighting, and one blurts out "I'll be damned if I'm gonna gargle in that holy water after she washes her ass in it!!"

Submitted By Zoso1166 0f Ogallala, Nebraska

 


trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:07 AM EST
Updated: Thursday, December 11, 2008 12:40 AM EST
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Saturday, November 29, 2008
Watch, With Little Johnny
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: Little Johnny Jokes
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

 


trashed by the garbage humor man at 2:00 PM EST
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Football Explained By A Blonde
Mood:  amorous
Topic: Blondes
Football F I N A L L Y makes cents.....

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience. 'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied,
'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over the 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a
coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept
screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm
like...Hellooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!


trashed by the garbage humor man at 1:21 PM EST
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You Might Be A Redneck If ...........
Topic: Rednecks

 1. Your directions to your home begin with "when you leave the pavement!"

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.


3 Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.


4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.


5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.


6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.


7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.


8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.


9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.


10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.


11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.


12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.


13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.


14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.


15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.


16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.


17. You have a rag for a gas cap.


18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.


19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.


20. You can spit without opening your mouth.


21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.


24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart Discount City.


25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.


26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.


27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements


28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.


29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.


30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Submitted By Paul Bleich

 


trashed by the garbage humor man at 1:03 PM EST
Updated: Saturday, November 29, 2008 1:08 PM EST
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Cajun Honeymoon
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: Ethnic

Boudreaux, out in his pasture in south Louisiana, takes a
lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it Doc? . . . I'm going on my
honeymoon next week and my finance, Bertha, is still a
virgin - in every vay.'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should
be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4
sided splint, and taped it all together . . . Quite an
impressive work of art and engineering.

Boudreaux mentions none of this to Bertha, marries her,
and they go on their honeymoon to Ville Platte.

That night in the motel room, Bertha slowly open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said, 'You're da first, nobody has EVER seen
deez.'

Boudreaux immediately drops his pants and replies,

'Look at dis, Bertha............still in DA CRATE!'

 

Submitted By Paul Bleich


trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:46 PM EST
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Gynecologist's Assistant
Mood:  incredulous
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida where he sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.


Interested, he approaches the clerk to learn more. Can you give me some more details? he asks the clerk.

 

The clerk pulls up the file and says, The job entails preparing the female patients for their gynecological examinations. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully clean their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000; but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here.


Oh, is that where the job is? inquires the applicant.


No sir, replies the clerk, That's where the end of the line is right now!

Submitted By Paul Bleich


trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:41 PM EST
Updated: Saturday, November 29, 2008 12:44 PM EST
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