City Slicker
Topic: Wild, Wild West
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.

Define Frequent
Topic: Geriatric Humor
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked.

'Well,' she said, responding very carefully, 'I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently.'

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked 'Is that one word or two?'

Submitted By Paul Bleich

C.O.'s Morning Briefing:
Topic: Millitary

C.O.'s Morning Briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Army was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir" began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."


The room fell silent. God Bless the Army.

 

Submitted By Paul Bleich

NEW RULES FOR 2008
Topic: Reality Humor
NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it t o contain...Lobster?

New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amo unt, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:

And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands!

New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule:

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that ?'

Submitted By Paul Bleich

CDC Notification -- important
Topic: Doctors/ Medical
CDC Notification -- important

 

 

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta has issued a medical alert about

a highly, contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted

orally, by hand, and even electronically.

 

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you

receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any

means whatsoever--DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private

life completely.

 

If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the

premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase

one or both of the antidotes-- Work Isolation Neutralizer Extract (WINE)

and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote

repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. For

those not able to take the above antidotes, chocolate and/or ice cream work

very well at fighting this virus as well.

 

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you

do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is

controlling your life.

 

 Submitted By Paul Bleich

Last Will And Testament
Topic: Computers

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to
her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would
be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull
the plug.

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

Rent
Topic: Office Humor
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing and before he left he told her that he did not have any cash with him but he would have his secretary write a cheque and
Mail it to her calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT".

On the way to the office he regretted what he had done realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price so he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and Enclose the following note:

Dear Madam:

 

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place I was under the impression that it had never been occupied, there was plenty of heat and it
Was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home. However I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and that it was entirely too large.

 

Upon receipt of the note the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

 

Dear Sir:

 

First I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it please do not blame the management. Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady

Dusty Underwear
Topic: Marriage

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to
his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in
Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your
butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she
simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of
underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he
said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he
shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why
did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker...
"It's not talcum powder......
It's 'Miracle Grow'."

The Irish Prostitute
Mood:  lucky
Topic: Ethnic
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. 'Where have ye
been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even
a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye
put yer old mum thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....dad. ...I
became a prostitute....'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family.'

'OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this
luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion
plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little
brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling
new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership in the country
club . (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye
all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the
Riviera, and....'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff ... a prostitute dad!
Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl,

I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!'

My Next Life
Topic: Reality Humor
I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy-enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for high school; drink alcohol, party, and be generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school - you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then....

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then....

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case