1. Your directions to your home begin with "when you leave the pavement!"

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3 Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart Discount City.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 1:03 PM EST

Updated: Saturday, November 29, 2008 1:08 PM EST

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Mood:  accident prone

Boudreaux, out in his pasture in south Louisiana, takes a
lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it Doc? . . . I'm going on my
honeymoon next week and my finance, Bertha, is still a
virgin - in every vay.'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should
be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4
sided splint, and taped it all together . . . Quite an
impressive work of art and engineering.

Boudreaux mentions none of this to Bertha, marries her,
and they go on their honeymoon to Ville Platte.

That night in the motel room, Bertha slowly open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said, 'You're da first, nobody has EVER seen
deez.'

Boudreaux immediately drops his pants and replies,

'Look at dis, Bertha............still in DA CRATE!'

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:46 PM EST

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Mood:  incredulous

Interested, he approaches the clerk to learn more. Can you give me some more details? he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, The job entails preparing the female patients for their gynecological examinations. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully clean their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000; but you're going to have to go to Oxford , Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here.

Oh, is that where the job is? inquires the applicant.

No sir, replies the clerk, That's where the end of the line is right now!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:41 PM EST

Updated: Saturday, November 29, 2008 12:44 PM EST

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Mood:  cheeky

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Jacksonville immediately , and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting div orced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother

back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay." he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Submitted By Robert R. Roberts

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:12 PM EST

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His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Baby Powder in my Underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not Baby powder, It's 'Miracle Grow!'

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:03 PM EST

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Mood:  don't ask

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe that I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued...."May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:00 PM EST

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Mood:  mischievious

01. Talk about a huge breast

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist

03. It's Cool Whip time

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst

05. That's one terrific spread

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat !
07. Are you ready for seconds yet

08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some

10. Don't play with your meat

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 11:47 AM EST

Updated: Saturday, November 29, 2008 11:50 AM EST

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GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 12:11 PM EDT

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

 The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold. '

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'.

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid. '

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes..?! Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

Submitted By Paul Bleich

trashed by the garbage humor man at 6:36 PM EDT

Updated: Saturday, May 24, 2008 6:47 PM EDT

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My Tabby Cat, Gimli, Has infiltrated the Garbage Humor Mascot's Posse, as documented by this surveillance photo. After my Tabby Cat Gimli started hanging with this posse, I had to hire a Private Investigator to track him down!!!

trashed by the garbage humor man at 11:03 PM EDT

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